From Daniel Songer
Good Morning New York City
By Keelin
Good morning, New York City -- I'm back in your overpriced, garbage-smelling bosom!
Loyal readers of the site may remember that I spent five formative years in Manhattan and occasionally return to laugh at the dreams of newly arrived generations. (That's second on my agenda this trip. First is brunch with Mayor Bloomberg at the Russian Tea Room.)
I lived through a lot during those NYC years -- 9/11, the Great Blackout of 2003, a group of British tourists asking me where Central Perk is ("You know -- the coffee house where Ross and Rachel hang out!"). I survived it all. And back then we didn't even have Pink Berry or Facebook.
Today's New York Forecast
It's hot as the devil in this city, which is fitting since it is also the devil's playground. If only air conditioning could wipe away sins in addition to providing sweet cool air.
Today's New York Song
Phil Collins is pretty much the worst thing ever, but this is still my favorite New York song. Who knew this guy would sink to "No Jacket Required"?
Today's New York Prediction
If you can make it here, you either a) are very wealthy, b) have seriously compromised your quality of living, c) are a chorus girl in "Cats." The rest of you can't make it anywhere.
Good morning, New York City -- I'm back in your overpriced, garbage-smelling bosom!
Loyal readers of the site may remember that I spent five formative years in Manhattan and occasionally return to laugh at the dreams of newly arrived generations. (That's second on my agenda this trip. First is brunch with Mayor Bloomberg at the Russian Tea Room.)
I lived through a lot during those NYC years -- 9/11, the Great Blackout of 2003, a group of British tourists asking me where Central Perk is ("You know -- the coffee house where Ross and Rachel hang out!"). I survived it all. And back then we didn't even have Pink Berry or Facebook.
Today's New York Forecast
It's hot as the devil in this city, which is fitting since it is also the devil's playground. If only air conditioning could wipe away sins in addition to providing sweet cool air.
Today's New York Song
Phil Collins is pretty much the worst thing ever, but this is still my favorite New York song. Who knew this guy would sink to "No Jacket Required"?
Today's New York Prediction
If you can make it here, you either a) are very wealthy, b) have seriously compromised your quality of living, c) are a chorus girl in "Cats." The rest of you can't make it anywhere.
Tuesday Debate: Hot Rod v. Hot Rod - Is God Our President?
By Hot Rod
Hot Rod: Many people like to debate Hot Topics. I usually just go there for my wallet chains. But I will debate a less hot but still interesting question: Is God our President? The answer is yes. It says so on our money, and in our national anthem. Plus God is President of the Bible. He is the creator of all things - from crappy things like drunk moms, to awesome things like Slayer. How could he possibly create Slayer and not be president? That just wouldn't be democratic. My uncle Barney tells me that's what our country is about - democracy. And what I've gathered from him that democracy means is that everybody has to read the Bible or leave our country. I don't want to leave our country and go somewhere like Afghanistan or Paris where they kill you if you believe in God. If you DON'T believe in God HE will kill you! So that would be a pretty sticky situation, much like my drawer full of empty freezie pop wrappers.
Hot Rod: I respect your point, sir, but I will respectually disagree. That is not what democracy is at all. Democracy is when there's a country with mostly white people and they get to tell everybody else what to do. Otherwise people would just play basketball and baseball and kung fu all day and no one would go to work at the freezie pop factory. If the country doesn't have mostly white people, then they probably don't have a freezie pop factory, and we don't really need to pay attention to it.
Hot Rod: I resent your disdain for 'people of color' and your disdain for sticking to the debate subject. Freezie pops aren't all that matter in this world. The Bible tells us so. There's a lot more stuff the Bible says to worry about, like if God will tell your dad to break out of prison and come home and murder you like he did mom's boyfriend. Also, the Bible says Jesus is love, and that he wore night gowns and flip flops all the time, and he hated gay people. There is not one mention of 'people of color' in the Bible, so they, like dinosaurs must have never existed. Or at least not to the extent that God is not President.
Hot Rod: I think you are imitating that our real president - Barack Obama - who is as you insensitively put it a 'person of color' can't be president because he doesn't exist. Even is you are born in Iraq, like President Obama, you are still a real person, and we should not bomb you or say you don't get to be our president. Sadaam Hussein was a pretty bad guy, but he had an admirable moustache. Jesus and Osama Bin Laden look IDENTICAL to me, in my hallucinations. And you know who has the best beard of them all? That's right, God. Which is why he is our president.
Hot Rod: Hold on a second, 'people of color' is not a bad thing to say. They are MUCH cooler than you or I. They make fancy music about drinking vodkas out of crystal schooners, and they have luxurious cars that make you feel bad about yourself when they drive by and call you 'fagot'. But, that's not all - they are ALSO our president, Barack Obama; our heroes, Martin Luther King, Gandhi, LeBron James, Shakira, Limp Bizkit, the list goes on. Just because none of them are in Slayer doesn't mean that your uncle is right and that racism is OK. It's not, and if God were president he would see to it that racism didn't exist, and neither should your uncle.
Hot Rod: That's a very valid point. I think I know a way to end racism and make both God & Barack Obama the president.
Hot Rod: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Hot Rod: Yea dude! Let's go to Aldi and get some freaking freezie pops!!
Hot Rod: I was thinking of killing uncle Barney.
Hot Rod: Oh. I don't know. You're always thinking that. It's probably just because he abused you all those years growing up.
Hot Rod: Yea, you're probably right, let's go to Aldi for some freezie pops!
!*!Debate!*!
A new (good) morning
By Stephen
[Welcome our newest writer: Stephen!]
Today’s History Lesson
Today marks the 911th anniversary of the first successful plundering of Jerusalem by European Crusaders, in which thousands of Muslims were raped, killed, and/or forced to convert to Christianity. There is nothing funny about this, per se, unless you are a Muslim-hating Christian. Not that all Christians hate Muslims - just those Christians who vote Republican. (Kidding!) (Sort of.)
Today in Exotic Foods
Pending approval by EU health inspectors, camel milk from the UAE will be sold on supermarket shelves in the UK as early as next year. Supposedly it is rich in vitamin-C and very salty. Not as salty, however, as the tears your children will cry after you trick them into drinking it.
Today in Famous People
George Steinbrenner died yesterday. Not sure if he was a Lethal Weapon fan, but a lot of people liked the first one so it’s possible. I mention Lethal Weapon because I really hope the recently released recording of Mel Gibson telling his ex-girlfriend that she “deserved it” when he hit her so hard that he broke her teeth had nothing to do with the massive heart attack Steinbrenner suffered. It probably didn’t. But we will never know for sure.
Today’s Prediction
In the wake of Marmaduke’s $50 million box-office success, studios will become so desperate for adaptations of lame comic strips that someone will commission Mel Gibson to write and direct an(other) adaptation of Prince Valiant. It will be a violent comedy based on the 1st successful Crusade against Muslim-occupied Jerusalem. While filming on location, Mel will be raped by a pack of Bedouins and left for dead until a friendly camel nurses him back to health.
[Welcome our newest writer: Stephen!]
Today’s History Lesson
Today marks the 911th anniversary of the first successful plundering of Jerusalem by European Crusaders, in which thousands of Muslims were raped, killed, and/or forced to convert to Christianity. There is nothing funny about this, per se, unless you are a Muslim-hating Christian. Not that all Christians hate Muslims - just those Christians who vote Republican. (Kidding!) (Sort of.)
Today in Exotic Foods
Pending approval by EU health inspectors, camel milk from the UAE will be sold on supermarket shelves in the UK as early as next year. Supposedly it is rich in vitamin-C and very salty. Not as salty, however, as the tears your children will cry after you trick them into drinking it.
Today in Famous People
George Steinbrenner died yesterday. Not sure if he was a Lethal Weapon fan, but a lot of people liked the first one so it’s possible. I mention Lethal Weapon because I really hope the recently released recording of Mel Gibson telling his ex-girlfriend that she “deserved it” when he hit her so hard that he broke her teeth had nothing to do with the massive heart attack Steinbrenner suffered. It probably didn’t. But we will never know for sure.
Today’s Prediction
In the wake of Marmaduke’s $50 million box-office success, studios will become so desperate for adaptations of lame comic strips that someone will commission Mel Gibson to write and direct an(other) adaptation of Prince Valiant. It will be a violent comedy based on the 1st successful Crusade against Muslim-occupied Jerusalem. While filming on location, Mel will be raped by a pack of Bedouins and left for dead until a friendly camel nurses him back to health.
Debate: Did O.J. Simpson Commit Double Murder?
By Jake & Glenn
People may remember O.J. Simpson from Jay Leno's popular and hilarious monologues, but did you know he was also an alleged murderer and football player? While Judge Lance Ito may have danced his way into our hearts, people never really came around on O.J. after his circus-like trial. O.J. was never asked to star in another Naked Gun film as the classic character Nordberg or reprise his role from The Towering Inferno. He was convicted in some courts of public opinion but acquitted in others. Let this be the final judgment of the man who made us laugh, cry and cheer as he sat in the defendant's chair for the Trial of the Century.
Jake: O.J. Simpson was a hero. Then one fateful day in 1994, his ex-wife and her friend Ronald Goldman were murdered by some unknown assailant. Then there was this massive trial that captivated the entire United States, from coast-to-coast plus Hawaii, but not Alaska. Everybody had their own opinion on whether he was guilty or innocent. I believed he was innocent then and I still believe it now. Why would an ex-football player and movie star want to kill his ex-wife? He already divorced her, so why would he want to kill her too? Being divorced is enough punishment for any woman. O.J. Simpson, like his character in The Naked Gun series, is just a lovable oaf who would never harm anybody and gets himself into slapsticky situations. O.J. was as innocent as the jury found him in his first trial.
Glenn: As I sit here and breathe (heavily), I cannot believe you are making the claim that OJ did not kill Nicole Brown Simpson and her friend Ronald Goldman. If you want to talk about innocence, those two personified it - making their eventual murder by OJ all the more obscene. Nicole Brown Simpson was a beautiful woman and Ronald Goldman was a beautiful albeit Jewish man. These two people were in love and they had a close tie to each other that could not be cut. Unfortunately their flesh could, and OJ stabbed them both more times than Amadaou Diallo was shot by the NYPD. The mountain of evidence at the trial made it clear-cut that he was the killer. If he wasn't the killer, why would so many white Americans walk around today thinking he is?
Jake: If the evidence was so clear-cut why did the glove not fit? Like the old saying goes, 'If the glove don't fit, you must aquit.' O.J. Simpson would never stab anybody. Even if he were to kill somebody I doubt he would use a knife. Maybe he would use a harpoon or a broad sword, but definitely not a knife. He is a kind soul and a fantastic football player. A sports star would never do anything illegal, what would be the point? Sports stars are millionaires and highly respected by children and children at heart. Why would a role model do something to jeopardize their high standing in the eyes of so many Americans? O.J. would just have no reason to commit double murder, or even single murder. Between the glove not fitting and his fame & fortune, Simpson has to be innocent.
Glenn: You asked why OJ Simpson would kill his ex-wife and I thought the question so insulting I did not respond to it. But then you asked again. Do I really need to point out how many men kill women every year for leaving them? Divorce or not, men are the worst sex for killing their partners. We all heard the 911 phone call. He was a violent abuser! Just because he was a great football player and poorly acted in some comedies from the 1990s does not mean he treated a woman in a proper way, which would include not killing her. I suppose Jake would ask why OJ killed Ronald Goldman? Have you ever heard of jealousy? It is the reason most people commit murder. OJ probably thought Ronald Goldman did not belong with his ex-wife because he was possessive. That's motive. They were both near his house, it was late at night and he had access to knives. That's opportunity. He was acquitted because the cops who investigated him were racists and his defense team was better than the prosecution. That's American justice.
Jake: I guess we are just going to have to agree to disagree. I have not heard any of these alleged telephone calls. I only know what I remember from Jay Leno monologues and the episode of Roseanne where Jackie dresses like Marcia Clarke. Maybe my perception is skewed by all of the huge laughs that those programs delivered me due to the trial. There is just no way to tell. I believe O.J. Simpson is guilty and there is no way you can convince me otherwise. O.J. is a good father and an upstanding citizen. Sure, he may have stolen some of his own property back, but who hasn't? We are all guilty of that crime, even O.J. Simpson. One crime O.J. is not guilty of is murder. He never murdered me, he didn't murder you and sure as heck didn't murder Nicole Brown or Ronald Goldman. If you don't believe me, then ask Kato Kaelin.
Glenn: I did ask Kato Kaelin actually. I'm friends with him on gchat. He kind of evaded the question and then asked if he could stay with me in Brooklyn. If the crux of your argument comes down to Kato Kaelin as a witness, you should never become an LA County prosecutor. This was a saga that captivated us, from the first moment Nicole Brown Simpson's body was discovered to the slow freeway chase in the White Ford Bronco to Johnny Cochran making a mockery of our legal system and the idea of "reasonable doubt." If someone murdered my ex-wife and her friend, I would be furious. I would do everything possible to find the real killers and possibly kill them. That is justice to me, in the only way extrajudicial murderous rage can be justice. But OJ didn't kill killers - he killed two people in love because he resented them. I hope he finds his peace on a prison football team, the way the children from Sleepers did. But let there be no doubt: OJ Simpson killed two people and was set free. Maybe if he had been convicted, California would never have gotten as close as they are right now to electing Meg Whitman governor.
People may remember O.J. Simpson from Jay Leno's popular and hilarious monologues, but did you know he was also an alleged murderer and football player? While Judge Lance Ito may have danced his way into our hearts, people never really came around on O.J. after his circus-like trial. O.J. was never asked to star in another Naked Gun film as the classic character Nordberg or reprise his role from The Towering Inferno. He was convicted in some courts of public opinion but acquitted in others. Let this be the final judgment of the man who made us laugh, cry and cheer as he sat in the defendant's chair for the Trial of the Century.
Jake: O.J. Simpson was a hero. Then one fateful day in 1994, his ex-wife and her friend Ronald Goldman were murdered by some unknown assailant. Then there was this massive trial that captivated the entire United States, from coast-to-coast plus Hawaii, but not Alaska. Everybody had their own opinion on whether he was guilty or innocent. I believed he was innocent then and I still believe it now. Why would an ex-football player and movie star want to kill his ex-wife? He already divorced her, so why would he want to kill her too? Being divorced is enough punishment for any woman. O.J. Simpson, like his character in The Naked Gun series, is just a lovable oaf who would never harm anybody and gets himself into slapsticky situations. O.J. was as innocent as the jury found him in his first trial.Glenn: As I sit here and breathe (heavily), I cannot believe you are making the claim that OJ did not kill Nicole Brown Simpson and her friend Ronald Goldman. If you want to talk about innocence, those two personified it - making their eventual murder by OJ all the more obscene. Nicole Brown Simpson was a beautiful woman and Ronald Goldman was a beautiful albeit Jewish man. These two people were in love and they had a close tie to each other that could not be cut. Unfortunately their flesh could, and OJ stabbed them both more times than Amadaou Diallo was shot by the NYPD. The mountain of evidence at the trial made it clear-cut that he was the killer. If he wasn't the killer, why would so many white Americans walk around today thinking he is?
Jake: If the evidence was so clear-cut why did the glove not fit? Like the old saying goes, 'If the glove don't fit, you must aquit.' O.J. Simpson would never stab anybody. Even if he were to kill somebody I doubt he would use a knife. Maybe he would use a harpoon or a broad sword, but definitely not a knife. He is a kind soul and a fantastic football player. A sports star would never do anything illegal, what would be the point? Sports stars are millionaires and highly respected by children and children at heart. Why would a role model do something to jeopardize their high standing in the eyes of so many Americans? O.J. would just have no reason to commit double murder, or even single murder. Between the glove not fitting and his fame & fortune, Simpson has to be innocent.Glenn: You asked why OJ Simpson would kill his ex-wife and I thought the question so insulting I did not respond to it. But then you asked again. Do I really need to point out how many men kill women every year for leaving them? Divorce or not, men are the worst sex for killing their partners. We all heard the 911 phone call. He was a violent abuser! Just because he was a great football player and poorly acted in some comedies from the 1990s does not mean he treated a woman in a proper way, which would include not killing her. I suppose Jake would ask why OJ killed Ronald Goldman? Have you ever heard of jealousy? It is the reason most people commit murder. OJ probably thought Ronald Goldman did not belong with his ex-wife because he was possessive. That's motive. They were both near his house, it was late at night and he had access to knives. That's opportunity. He was acquitted because the cops who investigated him were racists and his defense team was better than the prosecution. That's American justice.
Jake: I guess we are just going to have to agree to disagree. I have not heard any of these alleged telephone calls. I only know what I remember from Jay Leno monologues and the episode of Roseanne where Jackie dresses like Marcia Clarke. Maybe my perception is skewed by all of the huge laughs that those programs delivered me due to the trial. There is just no way to tell. I believe O.J. Simpson is guilty and there is no way you can convince me otherwise. O.J. is a good father and an upstanding citizen. Sure, he may have stolen some of his own property back, but who hasn't? We are all guilty of that crime, even O.J. Simpson. One crime O.J. is not guilty of is murder. He never murdered me, he didn't murder you and sure as heck didn't murder Nicole Brown or Ronald Goldman. If you don't believe me, then ask Kato Kaelin.Glenn: I did ask Kato Kaelin actually. I'm friends with him on gchat. He kind of evaded the question and then asked if he could stay with me in Brooklyn. If the crux of your argument comes down to Kato Kaelin as a witness, you should never become an LA County prosecutor. This was a saga that captivated us, from the first moment Nicole Brown Simpson's body was discovered to the slow freeway chase in the White Ford Bronco to Johnny Cochran making a mockery of our legal system and the idea of "reasonable doubt." If someone murdered my ex-wife and her friend, I would be furious. I would do everything possible to find the real killers and possibly kill them. That is justice to me, in the only way extrajudicial murderous rage can be justice. But OJ didn't kill killers - he killed two people in love because he resented them. I hope he finds his peace on a prison football team, the way the children from Sleepers did. But let there be no doubt: OJ Simpson killed two people and was set free. Maybe if he had been convicted, California would never have gotten as close as they are right now to electing Meg Whitman governor.
Good Morning fruit
By Glenn
Good morning. I have been eating a lot of fruit lately. This might, at first, seem like a trivial and borderline offensive subject to raise in the temple that is the One Year in Texas good morning post. However, fruit is good. We need more fruit in people's lives - it could stop the next generation from having Type II diabetes which, as sure as the sun will rise, they will have unless we eat more fruit.
Today's Weather
My dream weather would be this picture. Imagine it - you walk outside after legally emancipating yourself from your parents - only to see it raining fruit! At first you're disturbed by the size disparities, as an orange slice and blackberry are the same size. You might think your sense of perception has been ruined by your decision to walk out on your family. But it hasn't. It's as sharp as it's ever been. While everyone else is seeing rain drops you are seeing delicious fruit. Open your mouth and look towards the sky because no one is going to tell you what to do anymore.
Today's Fruit
I'm sure it will elicit tons of angry emails by choosing one particular fruit, but can I just give a mad "shout out" to strawberries?
I don't mean "mad" in the crazy sense, the way the picture implies. Strawberries just taste very good and they make it as today's fruit because I used to have low expectations for them. I grew up around strawberries, and one was actually the lawyer that helped me legally emancipate myself from my parents, but I never really tried to eat them whole. Then once I moved to New York (The "Big Strawberry"), I gave them a shot and realized they actually taste pretty good when you stop crying from the pain of anally ingesting them. I wish there was a better way to eat them.
Today's Sale on Fruit
Wow, look at those prices! I searched all over the internet using Lycos and Hotbot to find the best deals on fruit before finding this sale. The nice thing about a fruit cup, besides the fact that it comes in a cup and has been blessed by a Muslim cleric, is that it has all different kinds of fruit! And instead of existing in some reality between life and death, it exists in a fruit syrup. The syrup is not as good for you as the fruit though so please do not drink it. One dollar for a fruit cup is a very good price. This picture is quite cute as well, though becomes less cute when you find out it was drawn by Charles Manson.
Today's Prediction
OYIT will get a cease and desist order from Charles Manson in the mail. We assume the liquid covering it is fruit syrup, but it later turns out to be something else. In honor of getting our first fan letter (as he will also indicate he is an avid reader), the entire full time staff will get swastikas tattooed on their foreheads. The catch? The swastika is inside a strawberry. That way no one will think we are racist, insane murderers - just huge fruit fans who vote Democratic.
Good morning. I have been eating a lot of fruit lately. This might, at first, seem like a trivial and borderline offensive subject to raise in the temple that is the One Year in Texas good morning post. However, fruit is good. We need more fruit in people's lives - it could stop the next generation from having Type II diabetes which, as sure as the sun will rise, they will have unless we eat more fruit.
Today's Weather
My dream weather would be this picture. Imagine it - you walk outside after legally emancipating yourself from your parents - only to see it raining fruit! At first you're disturbed by the size disparities, as an orange slice and blackberry are the same size. You might think your sense of perception has been ruined by your decision to walk out on your family. But it hasn't. It's as sharp as it's ever been. While everyone else is seeing rain drops you are seeing delicious fruit. Open your mouth and look towards the sky because no one is going to tell you what to do anymore.
Today's Fruit
I'm sure it will elicit tons of angry emails by choosing one particular fruit, but can I just give a mad "shout out" to strawberries?
I don't mean "mad" in the crazy sense, the way the picture implies. Strawberries just taste very good and they make it as today's fruit because I used to have low expectations for them. I grew up around strawberries, and one was actually the lawyer that helped me legally emancipate myself from my parents, but I never really tried to eat them whole. Then once I moved to New York (The "Big Strawberry"), I gave them a shot and realized they actually taste pretty good when you stop crying from the pain of anally ingesting them. I wish there was a better way to eat them.Today's Sale on Fruit
Wow, look at those prices! I searched all over the internet using Lycos and Hotbot to find the best deals on fruit before finding this sale. The nice thing about a fruit cup, besides the fact that it comes in a cup and has been blessed by a Muslim cleric, is that it has all different kinds of fruit! And instead of existing in some reality between life and death, it exists in a fruit syrup. The syrup is not as good for you as the fruit though so please do not drink it. One dollar for a fruit cup is a very good price. This picture is quite cute as well, though becomes less cute when you find out it was drawn by Charles Manson.
Today's Prediction
OYIT will get a cease and desist order from Charles Manson in the mail. We assume the liquid covering it is fruit syrup, but it later turns out to be something else. In honor of getting our first fan letter (as he will also indicate he is an avid reader), the entire full time staff will get swastikas tattooed on their foreheads. The catch? The swastika is inside a strawberry. That way no one will think we are racist, insane murderers - just huge fruit fans who vote Democratic.
Life With Mikey [7-12-10]
By Mikey
They say it's not the heat, it's the humidity, but I don't believe that. I believe that it's a combination of the two.
I don't chew much gum, but I subscribe to a Bazooka Joe RSS Feed.
I'm glad monster trucks aren't street legal.
Oil is a better reason for a war than the assassination of an archduke, don't you think?
A lot of my political beliefs are based on David Letterman monologues.
I'm not a member of the NRA, but I'm not against guns.
I don't agree or disagree with laws, I just follow them.
I'm not interested in poetry.
Golf is not exciting. It doesn't matter how much adultery is being committed; it's just so boring.
Why would a robber only steal hamburgers? Why not steal things worth money?
I was just thinking about the Million Man March the other day.
Coppertone has the sunscreen market locked up. They're unbeatable.
My diet doesn't allow me to eat at Arby's often, but whenever they get a new sandwich you'll find me there.
Do Fig Newtons count as fruit?
When is Malcom in the Middle coming to DVD?
Jeff Foxworthy isn't a traditonal leading man, but he gets the job done.
They say it's not the heat, it's the humidity, but I don't believe that. I believe that it's a combination of the two.
I don't chew much gum, but I subscribe to a Bazooka Joe RSS Feed.
I'm glad monster trucks aren't street legal.
Oil is a better reason for a war than the assassination of an archduke, don't you think?
A lot of my political beliefs are based on David Letterman monologues.
I'm not a member of the NRA, but I'm not against guns.
I don't agree or disagree with laws, I just follow them.
I'm not interested in poetry.
Golf is not exciting. It doesn't matter how much adultery is being committed; it's just so boring.
Why would a robber only steal hamburgers? Why not steal things worth money?
I was just thinking about the Million Man March the other day.
Coppertone has the sunscreen market locked up. They're unbeatable.
My diet doesn't allow me to eat at Arby's often, but whenever they get a new sandwich you'll find me there.
Do Fig Newtons count as fruit?
When is Malcom in the Middle coming to DVD?
Jeff Foxworthy isn't a traditonal leading man, but he gets the job done.
Top Ten Search Referrals to One Year In Texas
By Bub
Periodically I search through our sitemeter account to see what searches are bringing people to our site, and to really get a pulse on One Year In Texas. Every time I do I am thoroughly disappointed, but often times I am amused. And on very special occasions, I share my amusement with you. Enjoy!
10. did Kelly break up with Zack for a college guy
From Caracas, Venezuela -
9. life with mikey racist
8. is 4 minutes enough
7. who sings the second verse in lfo's song if i can't have you
6. morning ryan
5. turn me on steven tyler joe perry sexual tension attraction
4. what do the monopoly pieces symbolize
3. PEOPLE regret buying ipad
2. Poison Ivy drew barrymore nude scene
1. Tim McGraw the whiney liberal
Jake's Monday Morning Mixed Bag
By Jake
Good day, kind readers. I greatly appreciate that you are reading this. This article might be a bit "out there" and "random." If you dislike this there will be a hilarious Life with Mikey posting later that you should definitely check out.
Here's a haiku:
On TV I see
A Wild West amputation
Performed on a pig
I was watching a documentary on the Old West when I wrote this.
I do not know the type of poem this is, although it is quite nonsensical. It's alphabetical, so how could it not be nonsense?
a blue colored desk,
empty,
fits enough glue,
having inside: jars,
knives, lint;
massively novel on purpose,
quiet, reserved,
sedately tethered up;
Viewing warmly:
x-rays yellowing;
zippo
Trivia: I currently have more followers on Twitter than Wings actor Steven Weber.
This is a photo I took of a baseball skin lying in a field.
Here's a bit from my non-existant stand-up act:
You guys go to the doctor? It's a little expensive, right? I usually only have to pay somebody $50 to stick a finger up my ass. My doctor is a good guy though, he only makes me wait for two hours once I get into the check-up room. Speaking of checks, how do you guys get your waiters attention when you're in a busy restaurant? Isn't drawing a check sign in the air the most jackassy way to do it? We all do it, right? What else are you going to do? The waiter keeps walking by really fast, you're trying to get say something to him but by the time the words come out he's three tables away. The only thing you haven't tried doing is drawing check signs in the air. Hey, it works, but you can't help but feeling like a jerk. That's why I never go out to eat. I'd rather spend two hours making dinner than draw a check sign in the air. Speaking of air, isn't pollution scary? I hate people who pollute. I think if you get caught littering you should be put on death row. If you litter then you are selfish and deserve to spend the rest of your life eating McDonald's and watching cable TV in a cage.
Thank you, thank you.
Good day, kind readers. I greatly appreciate that you are reading this. This article might be a bit "out there" and "random." If you dislike this there will be a hilarious Life with Mikey posting later that you should definitely check out.
Here's a haiku:
On TV I see
A Wild West amputation
Performed on a pig
I was watching a documentary on the Old West when I wrote this.
I do not know the type of poem this is, although it is quite nonsensical. It's alphabetical, so how could it not be nonsense?
a blue colored desk,
empty,
fits enough glue,
having inside: jars,
knives, lint;
massively novel on purpose,
quiet, reserved,
sedately tethered up;
Viewing warmly:
x-rays yellowing;
zippo
Trivia: I currently have more followers on Twitter than Wings actor Steven Weber.
This is a photo I took of a baseball skin lying in a field.
Here's a bit from my non-existant stand-up act:
You guys go to the doctor? It's a little expensive, right? I usually only have to pay somebody $50 to stick a finger up my ass. My doctor is a good guy though, he only makes me wait for two hours once I get into the check-up room. Speaking of checks, how do you guys get your waiters attention when you're in a busy restaurant? Isn't drawing a check sign in the air the most jackassy way to do it? We all do it, right? What else are you going to do? The waiter keeps walking by really fast, you're trying to get say something to him but by the time the words come out he's three tables away. The only thing you haven't tried doing is drawing check signs in the air. Hey, it works, but you can't help but feeling like a jerk. That's why I never go out to eat. I'd rather spend two hours making dinner than draw a check sign in the air. Speaking of air, isn't pollution scary? I hate people who pollute. I think if you get caught littering you should be put on death row. If you litter then you are selfish and deserve to spend the rest of your life eating McDonald's and watching cable TV in a cage.
Thank you, thank you.
Hi Katy [Volume II, Issue XV]
By Katy
Hi Theodore,
This is quite an apt time to bring this up, Theodore. See, I have a friend who is embarking on his very own journey Eastward in the next week or so. To say goodbye, we rented a flock of movies about people, such as yourself (but able-bodied), who took that great leap of faith to the world of the "Big Apple." Among these flicks were Coming to America, An American Tail, Babe II: Pig In The Big City, Mary Kate & Ashley: New York Minute, etc. I looked everywhere for The Muppets Do Manhattan. Like, everywhere. I went to Family Video and when I found out they didn't have it I had them call two other Family Videos and my boyfriend checked Blockbuster and I mean we got nothin'. You really don't know how difficult life is until you're running (errr, rolling I guess) around a simple Midwestern city trying to find what could possibly be the one film to properly guide our young friend and prepare him for the excitements and dangers of the new city... and coming up completely empty handed.
Basically, what I'm saying is you'll have to rent The Muppets Take Manhattan to get the real answer to your question.
Hi Kitten,
Oh, Kitten. I see so much of a younger me in you. I, too, was grounded several times when I was caught smoking by my parents. Of course, I was smoking menthol cigarettes so it made like TONS more sense since they pretty much break into your lungs, rape your livelihood, and leave you with broken dreams.
Let me ask you this:
Why are you smoking, Kitten?
Is it cool? Does it help you "fit in?" Is this because I asked you nicely to abstain from sexual intercourse and you need some new "bad girl" image to cling to? Did someone call you a yellow-belied chicken? Because you can go ahead and punch them right in the face, Kitten. Don't you let other kids or adults make you feel more inferior than you yourself make you feel. Read that a few times, it made sense.
Smoking is bad for you, but I can't imagine you haven't already learned that from D.A.R.E, health class, television ads, radio ads, magazine ads, government officials, the sides of cartons, cases, and boxes of cigarettes, your parents, your pastor, your neighbor, bloggers of the Internets, the goody-goodies at school, your teachers, the principal, assemblies, the lifeguards at your local pool, the cross-walk guards, police officers driving around yelling through their megaphones, mall Santa, mall Easter bunny, mall elves, people that work at the Buckle, billboards, bus ads, bench ads, Disney shows, Nickelodeon shows, Spike TV, Degrassi, your older siblings, your dying grandmother, your dead grandmother, your cigar-toting grandfather, your step-dad, half-dad, ex-dad, birth-dad, adoptive-dad, and Saturday morning cartoons. So I'm not sure why you're asking me.
Finally. I do smoke. And I love it.
Hi AutoMovebile,
Lucky for me, I've never been in this particular situation, Auto. Unlucky for you, you are. So, my best source of information would be to walk about into the parking lot behind my apartment complex to let you in on the secrest of my most innovative neighbors when they suffer from this very same problem.
Step 1: Get a baseball bat.
Step 2: Stand near the inept car window
Step 3: Beat the shit out of that window with your baseball bat
Step 4: Find a spare bit of cardboard that's relatively the size of your window, but a little too small.
Step 5: Duct tape the cardboard to the empty window slot, thus making yourself a new cardboard window.
NOW, you are free to remove and replace your new cardboard window whenever you like! Now that's as far as my neighbors seem to go in this scheme, but I'd like to add on to this idea.
Step 6 (optional): Acquire a permanent marker
Step 7 (optional): Draw silouhette of yourself (as if you were driving) into the cardboard (hint: this will trick the police into thinking your cardboard window is an actual clear, glass window, thus saving you from getting pulled over for obstructing your view).
Step 8 (manditory): Enjoy being awesome.
Hi Katy,
My name is Theodore. I recently moved to New York City because I felt like this world owes me something and I wanted to cash in on it. I figure even though tens of thousands of young people move to New York every day, I have a right to be successful and happy here. My parents say I am off base and that I should stay home on the farm or at least get a mid-level management job somewhere in the Mid-South. I also am in a wheelchair. Please tell me what I should do, or at least validate my life choice.
Lost in New York,
Theodore
Hi Theodore,
This is quite an apt time to bring this up, Theodore. See, I have a friend who is embarking on his very own journey Eastward in the next week or so. To say goodbye, we rented a flock of movies about people, such as yourself (but able-bodied), who took that great leap of faith to the world of the "Big Apple." Among these flicks were Coming to America, An American Tail, Babe II: Pig In The Big City, Mary Kate & Ashley: New York Minute, etc. I looked everywhere for The Muppets Do Manhattan. Like, everywhere. I went to Family Video and when I found out they didn't have it I had them call two other Family Videos and my boyfriend checked Blockbuster and I mean we got nothin'. You really don't know how difficult life is until you're running (errr, rolling I guess) around a simple Midwestern city trying to find what could possibly be the one film to properly guide our young friend and prepare him for the excitements and dangers of the new city... and coming up completely empty handed.
Basically, what I'm saying is you'll have to rent The Muppets Take Manhattan to get the real answer to your question.
hi kati,
its kitten again lol. where ubeen. i wrote u a letter n u ddint answer it. i got grounded 4 fucking 2 weeks bc i got caught w a sig i was smokin. is smokin bad or should i keep doin it n not tell my rents lol. do u smoke do u like it.
kitten
Hi Kitten,
Oh, Kitten. I see so much of a younger me in you. I, too, was grounded several times when I was caught smoking by my parents. Of course, I was smoking menthol cigarettes so it made like TONS more sense since they pretty much break into your lungs, rape your livelihood, and leave you with broken dreams.
Let me ask you this:
Why are you smoking, Kitten?
Is it cool? Does it help you "fit in?" Is this because I asked you nicely to abstain from sexual intercourse and you need some new "bad girl" image to cling to? Did someone call you a yellow-belied chicken? Because you can go ahead and punch them right in the face, Kitten. Don't you let other kids or adults make you feel more inferior than you yourself make you feel. Read that a few times, it made sense.
Smoking is bad for you, but I can't imagine you haven't already learned that from D.A.R.E, health class, television ads, radio ads, magazine ads, government officials, the sides of cartons, cases, and boxes of cigarettes, your parents, your pastor, your neighbor, bloggers of the Internets, the goody-goodies at school, your teachers, the principal, assemblies, the lifeguards at your local pool, the cross-walk guards, police officers driving around yelling through their megaphones, mall Santa, mall Easter bunny, mall elves, people that work at the Buckle, billboards, bus ads, bench ads, Disney shows, Nickelodeon shows, Spike TV, Degrassi, your older siblings, your dying grandmother, your dead grandmother, your cigar-toting grandfather, your step-dad, half-dad, ex-dad, birth-dad, adoptive-dad, and Saturday morning cartoons. So I'm not sure why you're asking me.
Finally. I do smoke. And I love it.
Hi Katy,
I slammed my car door while the window was down and now it won't roll up. I'm about to move and can't afford an expensive repair. What should I do?
-AutoMovebile
Hi AutoMovebile,
Lucky for me, I've never been in this particular situation, Auto. Unlucky for you, you are. So, my best source of information would be to walk about into the parking lot behind my apartment complex to let you in on the secrest of my most innovative neighbors when they suffer from this very same problem.
Step 1: Get a baseball bat.
Step 2: Stand near the inept car window
Step 3: Beat the shit out of that window with your baseball bat
Step 4: Find a spare bit of cardboard that's relatively the size of your window, but a little too small.
Step 5: Duct tape the cardboard to the empty window slot, thus making yourself a new cardboard window.
NOW, you are free to remove and replace your new cardboard window whenever you like! Now that's as far as my neighbors seem to go in this scheme, but I'd like to add on to this idea.
Step 6 (optional): Acquire a permanent marker
Step 7 (optional): Draw silouhette of yourself (as if you were driving) into the cardboard (hint: this will trick the police into thinking your cardboard window is an actual clear, glass window, thus saving you from getting pulled over for obstructing your view).
Step 8 (manditory): Enjoy being awesome.
