Au Jus...Oh My God!

By Mikey


You might have noticed that I like eating at restaurants if you've been reading my articles. By far, my favorite restaurant is Arby's. They have some of the best roast beef that money can buy, and that's where all my extra money goes. To paraphrase Benjamin Franklin, a penny saved is a penny to Arby's. My wife loves that one.

I would like to give you a quick tour of my favorite food place. I will also, for your sake, give reviews to the many delicious sandwiches you can purchase at Arby's.


I enter the door and am immediately taken aback by the smiles of the employees. I can tell that they truly love their job, and I am somewhat jealous. They work in one of the best restaurants. They are lucky.

I walk up to the cashier and order my usual, 3 roast beef sandwiches, curly fries and a vanilla shake. I am about to eat what the Greek gods ate. I don't really know what they ate, maybe worms. Who really knows? They probably would eat Arby's if it existed back then.

I sit down and taste my shake. It is amazing. I take a bite of my roast beef sandwich and I am in heaven. I have to check my pulse to make sure I'm still alive. The curly fries...good golly, they are superb! Some men enjoy golf, I have Arby's.

When I am done eating my great food and drinking my fantastic shake, I respectfully throw away my garbage. The employees are grateful of my courtesy (a thing most people are not aware of, especially bosses). I exit through the door with a smile on my face that shines so bright it could make the sun blush.

Reviews of Sandwiches

  • Roast Beef Sandwich
    The classic. It's hard to mess with perfection.
    Rating: 10/10

  • Beef and Cheddar
    This is when messing with perfection leads to something even better than perfection. This is perfection plus!
    Rating: 10/10

  • Super Roast Beef Sandwich
    This is another case of adding a few choice ingredients to the classic roast beef sandwich. This sandwich truly is super.
    Rating: 10/10

  • Arby-Q
    This is my illegal drugs. I don't use drugs, so I imagine that this is what drugs are like. This sandwich helped me understand the problems my brother was going through with addiction. I'm addicted to these sandwiches, and rightfully so: they're delicious!
    Rating: 10/10

  • Chicken Cordon Bleu Sandwich
    This sandwich is good, but it can't even touch the roast beef sandwiches. I can understand the reasons they put it on their menu, but it's just not for me.
    Rating: 9/10

  • French Dip & Swiss Toasted Sub
    This is the sandwich that gave me hope. When I was struggling in college, I went to Arby's to think things over. When I dipped this sandwich into Arby's savory au jus sauce it was a religious experience. I knew that God was trying to tell me to finish college, and that's what I did. You don't mess with the big guy.
    Rating: 10/10

    I hope this article helped you. It felt good to get this out of my system. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my chest. I hope the next time you're trying to think of a place to eat, you'll remember this article and stop in at Arby's for a nice meal made by people that care. Thank you.



    • One Week Entertainment [2-28-09]

    By Kaleena

    If it's one things I'm really rather good at, it's celebrity news and gossip. It also happens to be one of the most feminine things about me. I am frequently drawn by a curious magnetism to those "rubbish" magazines that line the pathway to the grocery-store checkouts. Drives Jake crazy, but I stand by that I can't help it!

    I suppose, then, that it was an inevitable for me to volunteer and take over the 'One Week in Entertainment' article. I hope you are amused, entertained and informed.

    Without further adieu, read this damn article. Thank you.


  • Jennifer Love Hewitt celebrates turning 30 by dressing up like Audrey Hepburn, having breakfast at Tiffany's and ending the night with a party with the cast of The Ghost Whisperer where the ladies came as Audrey from Breakfast at Tiffany's and the guys as 'George Peppard'. My god she's annoying.

    In more vain Oscar news....

  • Beyonce wore the craziest dress I've seen to the Oscars. Yet I still have all the respect in the world for her.

  • Nicole Kidman is still Australian.

  • I can't believe Kate Winslet won over Angelina Jolie. What's wrong with this world?

  • Heath Ledger won the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor. Matilda, his 3-year-old daughter will inherit the Oscar when she turns 18. I think this is really sweet.

    Onto other news....

  • Micheal Cera has signed on to do the 'Arrested Development' movie. Good choice son-you're adorable, awkward and probably due to play a modern day heroin addict at some point.

  • Andy Richter will join Conan on 'The Tonight Show' as his announcer or side-kick (sources are mixed on the decision). This brought tears of joy to my eyes and heart.

  • Nicole Richie and Joel Madden are expecting - again! Congrats and whatever.

  • J-Lo and Marc Anthony (who are reportedly separated) had the most sensible birthday party for their year old twins I've heard of in Hollywood. They only had two moonbouncers and one clown. Really, thank you for not bringing the whole damn circus. They're one for Christ's sakes.

  • Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green have called off their engagement. She is so young and so hot - this is probably for the better. No offense Mr. Green. You're aging very gracefully.

  • Nadya Suleman and her mother Angela faced off on Radar.com in a debate on Nadya's decision to have the frozen embryos planted in her. Her mother sounds like a sane woman, go figure. My questions is when will the taxpayers get to say "We are not paying for that woman's decision anymore"?

  • Model/actress Minka Kelly talks to Health magazine about her "bubble-butt" and love of eating. In about two years, she'll be talking about her battle with anorexia followed by bulimia.For all you sensitive types, I am only joking and never wish this on anyone.

  • Tiger Woods referred to his recent knee injury as a "blessing" because it gave him more time to spend at home with the family. What a guy!!

  • Lisa Rina would rather go naked than host events. My first thought was - who?

  • Russell Simmons is said to be paying $40,000 in child support. If you're going to have a baby, make sure it's by a celebrity.

  • Sam Jackson has signed on to play Nick Fury in possibly 9 future Marvel movies. I very much <3 Sam Jackson.

    I do hope you all enjoyed my first Entertainment column. Thanks for reading and I'll see you next week!


    • Good Morning [Fri Feb 27]

    By Jake

    Good morning friends. Welcome to another day where you get to be alive and look at the internet and watch television shows. You might read and/or listen to music as well. I may do all four. Perhaps I will add playing video games to the equation. I may do none if I fall into a catatonic state. Hopefully somebody will read to me if that happens. Perhaps somebody with a deep booming voice like Barry White. His voice is like velvet dipped in chocolate and whipped in a blender, only to be spread on more velvet and then topped with silk flakes. This good morning article is dedicated to Barry White's soothing voice.


    TV Show for 'Tweens of the Day
    Today's TV show meant for tweens is Nick's iCarly. I had family dinner at my grandparents' house last night, which we have every Thursday, and we watched two episodes of iCarly. My one and a half year old sister, Kathy, loves iCarly. I don't get it, but the sounds was too low for me to hear, plus everybody was talking very loudly. They run a website, like OYIT, but they get traffic. They don't give any tips on how to get traffic, but one episode featured a man in a dress, which is the highest form of comedy. I highly recommend this show if you're a tween or under two years old.

    Rodney Dangerfield Movie of the Month
    Rodney Dangerfield had a superb career as a stand up comedian, but what few people realize is that he had a fairly poor career as a movie star. Yes, he was in Caddyshack and Back to School, I do realize this. Do you realize that he was in Ladybugs, My 5 Wives, The Godson, Back by Midnight, the 4th Tenor and, the Rodney Dangerfield Move of the Month, Meet Wally Sparks.

    In Meet Wally Sparks, Dangerfield stars as the titular Wally Sparks, a tabloid show host. He goes to the mayor's mansion in order to uncover a sex scandal. If anybody can uncover anything it's Rodney and his superb gift for making fun of foibles and not getting respect. In a scene of this movie he holds a statues phallus. I don't know what you guys consider funny, but I consider this to be one of the all time great comedy bits. It's at least equal to Harpo cutting things with scissors in Duck Soup, which is the funniest movie ever (even though men don't dress like women). Rodney Dangerfield was a star that shined so bright that he shined nearly forever, but eventually he died and we were all sad. RIP Mr. Dangerfield.

    Cockney Rhyming Slang of the Day
    Apples and Pears is slang for Stairs

    Usage example
    "Up the Apples and Pears to Bedfordshire"

    Today's Video of a Child Dancing to a Moderately Popular Song

    TV Show Idea: Ione Sky and the Cloud Brigade

    By Jake

    Last week's TV show ended up being so controversial that several people committed suicide after reading it. This was not my intention, I was just trying to pitch a TV show to Hollywood through the only medium I have-- the greatest website in the world OYIT.

    This week I'm going to try something different once again. This time the star is going to be a female actor (or actress if you're sexist). The actress I have in mind is Ione Sky from the hit movie Say Anything. This show is going to be more geared toward children.


    Ione Sky stars as an exaggeration of herself. She wears a shiney black and gold skintight outfit, and a black police style hat. She is the fleet commander of the Cloud Brigade.

    The Cloud Brigade is a group of highly trained clouds (Cirrus and Contrail being the two highest ranked, of course). Cirrus and Contrail are Ione's right hand man and woman (Contrail is a woman, obviously). They help her dispatch the other clouds whenever there is some bad stuff going down (such as a kid is being bullied, an elderly person is being discriminated against or nuclear war). Cirrus and Contrail will also serve as Ione's personal security when meeting with diplomats from Mercury.

    Altostratus, Altocumulus and Nimbostratus are the second tier of the Cloud Brigade. They all have their own special abilities that can help them solve different problems when they team up together. These clouds teach children about teamwork. Altostratus can make it snow, Altocumulus creates a dark, menacing atmosphere and Nimbostratus brings low visibility and constant precipitation. When these three work together they are nearly unbeatable.

    The low level clouds still have a higher ranking than some others (Nacreus and Noctilucent for instance), but their duties are more often just scoping out the situation and then reporting back to Ione so she can make a decision on how to handle that particular problem. Stratocumulus, Stratus (who usually deals with maritime problems) and Cumulus (the best at keeping a lookout) are the three low level clouds, and they serve a very important job. Without them, the Cloud Brigade would be clueless.

    Nacreus and Noctilucent are essentially the privates of the Cloud Brigade. Ione rarely personally deals with either of them. She's just too busy hosting, planning courses of action and throwing to brief cartoon segments. They are not as important, but rather are trainees working toward the goal of becoming a higher level. Will they make it? Probably, because it's a children's show and you don't want to disappoint a kid.

    Of course, other clouds will make appearances. That's a given, really. This isn't the only Cloud Brigade, so sometimes other clouds (an earthquake cloud for instance) will be needed to use their special skill in order to save the day.

    The main focus of this show will teamwork, planning and hard work paying off. It will set children up for disappointment later on in life, but who cares as long as it can make me some money. I doubt it will, but hopefully some F/X executives are skimming the internet searching for a project featuring Ione Sky and come across this site.

    Good Morning from OYIT [Feb 26]

    By Bub
    Today’s Silent Film Star


    Buster Keaton! Buster Aziz Abdul Abdullah Keaton was known for his physical comedy, porkpie hats and overt racism until late in his life when he converted to Islam and switched his views to racial equality and religious bigotry. Mr. Keaton’s family ran the Mohawk Indian Medicine Company growing up, where they would perform vaudeville sketches and sold medicinal syrup made from cocaine, honey and oil extracted from Mohawk Indian Pineal glands. His family’s traveling Medicine Company was known for having employed Harry Houdini for a short time before he managed to escape… Buster Keaton went on to make pioneering comedic masterpieces such as The General and Sherlock Jr. before ruining his legacy with pathetic commercial ploys co-starring Jimmy Durante such as The Passionate Plumber and What? No Beer! The latter was based on Keaton’s religious conversion to Islam.

    Today’s Winning Lotto Number

    14


    Today’s Fish

    Butterfish. Sure, you still have bones in you but you cost 20 cents less than garfish at the local Barnacle Bill’s and taste exactly the same. It makes me feel like a real man to work for that 20 cents by picking out the bones. Also, Barnacle Bill’s, get some f-ing ketchup, or, I’m sorry, Tomato Sauce, not EVERYTHING goes with f-ing tartar sauce. Not even the Tatars believe that.

    Today’s Weight Loss Drug

    Ephedrine. This drug played a major role in my losing nearly 100 pounds during high school. I would take just enough to make me cry with pleasure but not be able to process pain. This feeling led to several arrests and the regaining of the weight I had lost plus a bowling ball or two. It was quite an enjoyable period of my life, but I can no longer bring a spoon-full of soup to my mouth without spilling it. I call it a draw.

    Today’s Weather

    Folks from Salem down to Medford will be sad to find out they will be crushed to death by a giant car. It will rain potatoes over the middle third of the state of Oregon and the sun will rise from beneath the top-soil in Oregon’s Northeast corner.

    Today’s Football Club

    Collingwood. This is Australian Rules Football. Collingwood is the Bobby Brown to decent society’s Whitney Houston. Their star player gets arrested for running down an old lady while drunk and gets a stern reprimand. They deliberately set most of the tragic Victorian bushfires that caused the largest natural disaster in Australian history and they get a bye week to rest up before taking on Geelong. Collingwood is like the asshole I thought it was possible to be when I was in junior high and threw Drano bombs at parked cars and stole cartons of cigarettes from Super-Value. I eventually learned that this was not a sustainable lifestyle. Collingwood continues burning homemade napalm to this day.

    Today’s Tasty Treat

    Turkish Delight. That guy from Harry Potter likes this shit. SO do Australians. It’s like jello covered in coconut covered in ketchup. No wonder what we consider torture is legal in Turkey. Maybe that explains why water-boarding doesn’t sound so bad to some people after they hear about Dove bars.

    Today’s Prediction

    You’re going to eat a Dove bar and whine about how it’s not as bad as being water-boarded. Of course it’s not, you’ve never been a TERRORIST! You will cheer Ben Cousins’ triumphant return to AFL against the Collingwood Magpies. This will make you a ‘bloody poof’. After all that Butterfish and Turkish Delight you will accidentally overdose on ephedrine and be posthumously rewarded an Oscar for your role as The Joker in the latest Batman feature film. Your Australian family will accept the award on your behalf and acts surprisingly nonchalant and unaffected by your untimely death. You will haunt them in the fourth installment of the Adams Family series. MC Hammer will rap the plot of the movie over the end credits. Your death and this movie will go unavenged.


    Life with Mikey [2-25-09]

    By Mikey

    Hi guys. Last week was such a huge success that I had a special dinner to celebrate. We had meatloaf (my favorite), green beans and mashed potatoes. It was so good. I wish my wife could cook for all of you.

    • Thought this winter was over! I wouldn't be shocked if we saw a lot more ice.

    • I never really cared for the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, but I loved Men in Black.

    • I recommend re-reading all the books you loved as a child. If it doesn't move you to tears, I'll throw a BBQ.

    • Is it just me or is it like McDonald's isn't even trying anymore?

    • Steve Kerr in a 3-point shooting contest. It's over. You've lost. Pack your bags.

    • Maybe I'm wrong, but isn't Jim Davis the greatest human being to ever have lived?

    • I need a new funny videos website to visit. Suggestions?

    • Let's see if we can't get Cuba Gooding Jr. another Academy Award. Such grace. Really athletic, too.

    • Sometimes I think about what if I was on death row and about to get a lethal injection, what would I choose as my last meal? I think it would be an Arby-Q and KFC's coleslaw and biscuits. That would be so good.

    • I do not, nor will I ever, understand "road rage."

    • Am I dreaming or is this a toasted Quizno's prime rib sub in front of me?

    • Here we have computers that basically run every part of our lives, and I'm still sitting around on Sunday afternoons licking stamps.

    • I was watching Deadwood the other day. Oh boy, they swear a lot on that show. I wish they could keep it clean.

    • Not sure about Mr. Leno moving to an earlier slot. I'll keep you posted...

    • You know what I am afraid of? Ghosts. They scare the heck out of me.

    • French fries? Keep dreaming! Hand me a plate of curly fries, please.

    • Is it just me, or is work super stressful? I wish nobody had to work and we could just stay home and play Connect Four with our children and wives. That would be the life.

    • I take cold medicine when I get sick even though it weakens my immune system. At least it weakens my immune system less than HIV, the virus that causes AIDS. That would make me a lot more susceptible to future sickness than taking cold medicine.

    • Magic Johnson was a great basketball player on the court, but Larry Bind was even better. I love the city of Boston so maybe I'm biased!

    • Bananas are cheap and delicious. We have a lot of things in common with monkeys and bananas are the one I don't mind admitting. There are worse fruits to eat and worse animals to share things in common with.

    Good Morning from OYIT [Feb 25]

    By Bub

    Good Morning denizens of the autonomous Okrug of One Year In Texas in the administrative Oblast of Kamchatka. For those of you who aren't Russian political geography fans or Risk nerds, good morning to you as well. It appears I have overslept by a little over one hour, as you all are used to receiving your good mornings at 7AM central standard time. My deepest apologies. I have been working with a life coach to try to become a better person, but I didn't have a lot of money so I had to settle for the guy that hangs out in the self-help section of the public library all day. Turns out he's not as reliable as Susan Powter's eternal quest to defeat mental illness, and he forgot to wake me up in time. When I called him at 7:30 AM at the pay phone down at the library he just yelled at me to not harass him at his place of business.



    Today's Quote
    "It ain’t men roaming the aisles of the grocery store every week…it’s you... Queen of the Aisle, you just gotta get your royal groove on and realize just how power-filled you are, Ms. C.E.O of the food industry!"


    The quote is from Susan Powter's least successful book venture, The Politics of Stupid. In this book she apparently writes a satirical portrayal of some very stupid ideas about politics.

    Today's Weather

    Unfortunately this forecast of post-Soviet Russia was still made with soviet-era icons resulting in only three variations of weather: sunny, behind where it is cloudy; cloudy with clouds dropping balls of sadness; and cloudy with clouds dropping candy-corn made out of blue cabbage.

    Today's Daughter
    Is Iris who keeps peering around the corner from the kitchen as I write this to see if I am in bed yet so she can sneak into my bedroom and sleep on the floor. Not gonna happen, sister! (Of course it will).

    Today's Religious Festival
    Trndez - Armenia

    Trndez occurs annually and was originally an Armenian pagan festival celebrating through fire-worship the God Myr, who stood for compassion and love. Today it has been easily incorporated into Christian tradition because of similarities between Jesus' and Myr's teachings and in the burning of heretics.

    Today's Prediction
    Several of you will go to Armenia hoping to enjoy a good Trndez parade or burning at the stake, and will be disappointed to learn that the celebrations ended a week ago. You will be reassured however when you observe how superior your standard of living is to the majority of Armenians. Then you will become depressed when you realize that none of those material advantages make you happy and you will uproot your family and move to Armenia where you can enjoy the simpler joys in life, like walking through fire and hating Azerbaijanis.

    Tuesday Debate: 90s Music

    By Jake and Glenn

    There have been many great decades of music, but none more controversial than the output of the 1990s. The 90s gave us grunge, the rise of industrial, the downfall of Michael Jackson, the uprise of gangsta rap and the Cardigans. In this article we will be debating whether the 90s were the greatest or merely just another great decade for music.


    Pro (Glenn) : Nothing was better than the 1990s. Before 9-11 and George Bush but after Ronald Reagan and the AIDS crisis, the decade had it all - including music. The music of the 1990s reflected the time. It was rich and diverse, yet at the same time respectful of the tragedies we experienced collectively as a species. For every OJ Simpson trial, there was a Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness. For every World Trade Center bombing, there was a Downward Spiral. The 90s were a decade where I came of age, learning about love and loss. The music produced between the years 1990-1999 has set our planet on a course for destruction, and I for one couldn't be happier.

    Con (Jake): I would have to disagree, of course. The 90s did have a wealth of great music, but most of it was not the popular music you heard on your local alternative rock station. Sure grunge was huge and had some merit, to a point. For every Pearl Jam and Nirvana there was a 4 Non Blondes and Alice in Chains. Now, one might think I'm out of line comparing AIC to 4NB, but trust me, they are on the same level. The 90s was great for hip hop, starting in 93 with some classic albums from the Wu-Tang Clan and Nas, but until the end of 99 there were merely a handful of albums worth listening to even from my beloved genre. Indie music thrived in the 90s, but nobody fucking cares about that so why even bring up bands like Built to Spill, Pavement, Bell & Sebastian, Sleater-Kinney and Neutral Milk Hotel when they weren't played on your local alternative rock station to make room for the new UB40 single. I guess, my con is more against the listeners of music, and the record companies who push such drivel, rather than the music itself. Perhaps not!

    Pro (Glenn): I understand your position. You know that I respect and hate you to disagree - especially when it comes to UB40's "Can't Help Falling in Love" - but the music of the 1990s was the best ever. I was but a young adolescent male when Nirvana's Nevermind and Pearl Jam's Ten were released on cassette in 1991, but that doesn't mean I couldn't understand angst, fatherly abandonment or any of the other topics covered in these groundbreaking records. If it's not fair to judge a decade by two albums, why do I still do it? Fast forward to 1996 and the Brit Pop invasion and you'll find even more music to justify my position. Oasis's (What's the Story) Morning Glory?, Pulp's Different Class and Radiohead's Ok Computer all came out within two years of each other. These may have been the two greatest years for music in English history, and they certainly were the best years of my life. When Noel Gallagher talked of not looking back in anger and when Jarvis Cocker opined on class differences, they weren't just singing. They were transforming how we looked at ourselves in junior high.

    Con (Jake): Nobody is going to argue that Pulp was a great band and that Different Class a great album, but what about Blur? So far you have named seven albums which you feel to be great from the 90s, which is a startling low number. It's not low compared to the number of deadly sins-- it's the same. Yet, shouldn't there be more? Not deadly sins, great 90s albums. I spent my adolescence listening to music like Pennywise, NOFX and Less than Jake, but I don't romanticize these dreadful bands. I know they are awful now that I have grown up and listen to music that isn't anthemic pop punk. Why must you romanticize the albums of your youth like my dad does the albums of Journey and Styx? I didn't even go into my great disdain for Oasis, nor will I.

    Pro (Glenn): I only think in sevens, but in my defense I was raised Lutheran. I think I can be honest in pushing aside bands whose only claim to fame is that they came of age during my adolescence. Candlebox, Puddle of Mudd and Collective Soul are awful and their mere existence was enough to push me out of my Christianity into atheism. But we can no more blame the 1990s for its worst output than we can blame Christianity for the crusades. A lot of people died so we could take back the Holy Land and even more died to help the Flaming Lips create the four CD album Zaireeka. If you sit there and tell us that the 90s were not the best decade for music, you are also implying that their deaths were in vain. Thank you for not mentioning Oasis.

    Con (Jake): The 90s aren't even as good of a decade for music and the 2000-2009 decade. We've had thousands of great albums released in these 10 years, and more to come. The decade started off poorly with the release of the Fragile and countless albums by boy bands, but since the dissolution of N*SYNC and the Backstreet Boys (and the lesser boy bands LFO and 98 Degrees) the decade has really been shaping up to be better than drug addicts think the 1970s were.

    Perhaps you can't understand the music of today because you're no longer a high school freshman, but there's been a huge rise in underground bands and their availability due to Napster (and the filesharing services now used by non-45 year olds). This coupled with the end of MTV's control on popular music has really helped out many bands who are serious about making music, rather than only in it for the money. There isn't necessarily anything wrong for being in it for the money, and as I said earlier, I do enjoy hip hop where most of the songs mention money or things bought with money (jewelry, grills, chains, cars, boats, etc.). In the 00s the Flaming Lips, as you used in an example, have created better albums than Zaireeka. Zaireeka was a good concept, but how many people can say that they actually ever listened to it? I have. I'd rather listen to Yoshimi vs. the Pink Robots. We could listen to Daft Punk's house album Homework, but why not listen to Discovery instead?

    Pro (Glenn): I feel that, like the 90s, this debate may be coming to an end. I'm glad you pointed out Yoshimi vs. the Pink Robots as a counterpoint to Zaireeka, as the former is assuredly much better than the latter. But what about their best work of all: 1999's The Soft Bulletin? I know this isn't a Flaming Lips fanfiction site so I don't want to get caught in the weeds here. My only point is that for every good album of the non-1990s, that same artist has a BETTER album in the 1990s. [By the way, NIN's The Fragile was released in 1999. I'm sure you will take that as more proof that the 90s were inferior, but if that's the case why did a good friend send me the album in computer format just today?]

    Con (Jake): I'm not saying the 90s were a bad decade for music, but rather the 00s are a better decade. Music has become easily available and the underground is so big that even John Wayne Gacy can't throw all of the bodies into his crawlspace. Glenn and I definitely have a differing taste in music that we have always been aware of, yet we do agree on some bands. I also agree that The Soft Bulletin is a superior album, but nobody bought it when it came out. Plus, Daft Punk didn't release a better album than Discovery in the 90s. I know that kind of music isn't Glenn's bag, though, so maybe that isn't fair, or is it? For instance, I don't enjoy Oasis or Nine Inch Nails (because I'm not 14 anymore), but I don't have a problem with others enjoying them. Kaleena, my fiance, is an Oasis fan. Do I put a gun in my mouth every night because of it? Sure, but we all have our own reasons for putting guns in our mouths, and surely if it wasn't that reason it'd be another.

    Dream Journal [2-24-09]

    By Jake, Glenn and Katy

    Dreams: images while you are going through the REM state of sleep. Martin Luther King had one. We all have them. Sometimes we write them down, like King did. And much like King, we sometimes share them in a oration or, the 21st century oration, the blog.

    I was on a hot air balloon with a court jester. He kept telling me jokes about babies with guns. I didn't understand them. He just kept going on. His flop sweat weighed down the balloon, but we just dropped some sandbags. We landed in Rome and ate pizza. The pizza was like Pizza Hut's Bigfoot pizza.


    I was having what can only be described as a date with Barack Obama. We were in an apartment together in Chicago. It wasn't like a real date, but there was just something intimate to it. I got really mad at him for something so he appointed Martha Stewart Secretary of the Interior to get back at me, which in my dream mind might have had something to do with interior decorating.


    I was watching House Party. Then I got sucked into the TV and was hanging out with Kid and Play. Play was really nice, he kept offering me sardines and pretzels. Kid was a total asshole, though. He kept calling me a scrote. What does that even mean?


    I heard crying from somewhere in my apartment complex. I got out of bed and took off my shoes and followed the wailing to my neighbors apartment. When I walked in Yul Brynner was sitting on the couch kicking a small dog. I tried to yell at him for abusing the dog but when I opened my mouth I vomited up most of the Old Testament. I felt bad so I asked Yul to help me re-write Genesis through Lamentations. We composed a sad story about a girl lost at the mall.


    I was in the garden behind my mom's house eating a tomato. I hate tomatoes, but this tomato tasted like an apple. Halfway through the tomato I threw it towards my neighbors house, but it hit a force field and lodged back at me. I ducked and heard an "oof" from behind me. When I turned around David the Gnome was rubbing his head, then he climbed up on a giant deer and rode away. I picked up the rest of the tomato and ate it.


    I was in a corn maze (you know, a maze made out of corn stalks). At first I was sure I knew where I was going, but I progressively realized that I had no idea. I put on moon shoes and jumped as high as I could, but that didn't do shit. I slit my wrists, but candy corn came out. It was delicious, but I didn't die. It was a lose/win situation.


    I was in a horrible car crash. My spine was severely injured and I could no longer walk. I could move my arms, but mobility was very limited. I went through rehabilitation until I was able to feed myself. Then I got married to a ghost. That ghost was Paris Hilton, but more intellectual. She went on and on about Kierkegaard. I would have rather married Paris.


    My hands were purple and fingernails where green, but everything else was white. Off white. Caucasian, actually. The color Caucasian. Is that a color? Anyway... I drove to see Glenn, still at his old house. I walk in and see the house has reverted back to a funeral parlor. I walk around trying to find him and instead find Bub and Glenn's dad holding each other and crying. Bub points to a KISS casket and I walk over to find Glenn smiling, resting peacefully wearing three salmon button-up shirts. As I begin to cry, he hops up and yells "J/K!" I ball up a purple fist and punch him in the face.


    I was wearing The Crow make-up and you were wearing a tight green sweater. I felt like we had a lot of chemistry, even though we didn't talk to each other and I don't think you even looked at me. I thought you looked like a really nice person that would possibly want to watch The Crow and movies like that with me. If you are please meet me at Neuman's Circle Friday at 9pm, I'll be wearing a black trenchcoat and The Crow make-up


    A syringe full of heroin, I think it was heroin, was being injected into my by a chimp. I was tied up and very fearful that I'd have a stroke because the chimp wasn't being very careful. Then a dump truck broke through the wall and Steve Martin was driving it. He beat the chimp up with the aid of brass knuckles, then untied me. We kissed. Does that make me gay?




    Good Morning from OYIT [Final Edition?]

    By Jake

    OYIT is going through some changes. We are losing writers and hopefully gaining some (although that is probably doubtful). Glenn and myself have decided to scale back on the number of articles we are going to write. This essentially means Glenn has give up on Good Morning from OYIT. I could write it every day, but nobody really reads it and I'd rather spend my time writing TV Show Ideas or some other trivial shit nobody reads, but at least I enjoy writing that stuff.

    If one of you out there wants to tackle the Good Morning article, then we would welcome it with arms wide open, like that douche from Creed. It is a really easy article to write, really. Like I said, I would do it, but I don't want to flood the site with my articles that nobody reads. Heather is the most popular person on the site, so in theory she should take it over. We'll see.


    Let's not dwell on this, instead let's take do one last (hopefully not the last, but probably will be) "of the day" for old times sake.

    Hair Dryer of the Day
    When your hair is wet nothing dries it like a Conair hair dryer. Conair is the the only name that is universally trusted when it comes to ridding hair of over saturation with water. Men and women both love this superior product, and with good reason, it's the fucking best period. If anybody leaves a comment arguing otherwise I will quit OYIT and go write exclusively for the Conair blog. Fun fact: Con Air the movie has nothing to do with Conair the hair dryer, but they are both great.

    Thank you and good morning. Remember if you want to write this article, please email me at jake@oneyearintexas.com.

    Tips on Surviving the Recession

    By Jake

    The recession: something you can't escape in America. Even if you have $700,000,000 the recession is going to hit you like a tsunami crashing into neo-futuristic Tokyo. For people like myself, those who have no money at all, we are going to be clawing at each other just to eat a dead rat's pelt. Hopefully, with my expert knowledge on being poor and staying alive, we will be able to avoid such situations. I will offer some tips that will help you ease your financial pressures during these difficult times.


    • If you are a meat eater, save bones for stock making. If you're not then perhaps you should stop buying veggie burgers and faux chicken wings and eat some actual vegetables. You will save hundreds of dollars doing this.

    • Instead of renting movies from Blockbuster Videos (if one even exists in your area still) I suggest that you get Netflix and stream movies and TV shows (it's a $9 base price). $9 is nearly the cost of renting a new release from Blockbuster for one night.

    • Instead of paying for prostitutes perhaps check out some streaming internet pornography. A popular site among the OYIT staff is Megarotic.

    • Turn your heat lower when you're not at home. When you're home try to keep it at a reasonable 65 degrees or lower. If you have babies, maybe give them up for adoption or send them to a rich uncle's house until the winter is over.

    • Instead of spending your tax refund on games for your Nintendo Wii and a Barely Legal magazine subscription, perhaps you could put the money in the bank.

    • If you have recently been laid off, take a week to complete all of those hard jigsaw puzzles you've been dying to crack open. Then start looking for work. You're not going to find it, so just keep doing puzzles (on your down time).

    • Instead of buying Subway everyday, go to the grocery store and buy yourself some bread and veggies. If you have a gift certificate to Subway, make sure that the store accepts it. I don't know how many times this has happened to Glenn.

    • Nobody pays for music and why should you? Get on Google Blog Search and find albums by your favorite artists. If you feel guilty, then send 20 cents to them, it's all they're getting per album anyway.

    • Eat nothing but rice.

    • If you see a homeless person, don't give them any money. Give them a hug instead. They'll appreciate it and you won't feel so guilty for living in a house.

    • If you don't mind getting raped, think about committing a crime and going to prison. You get free lodging and meals.

    • Volunteer in a soup kitchen, they'll probably let you eat some of the soup.

    • Play more chess.

    • Instead of throwing your pennies off of tall buildings or in the garbage, save them. They will eventually add up.

    • Cabbage is very inexpensive and lasts two weeks in the fridge. Eat as much cabbage as humanly possible.

    • If you must eat cheese, make sure you're buying shredded cheese and not fancy shredded cheese. This is no time for fancy shit.

    • I know Easter is coming up, but instead of getting Cadbury's Cream Eggs, get real eggs. Chicken eggs are cheaper and more nutritious.

    • When you go to sleep make sure you turn all of the lights off in your house.

    • If you go see professional wrestling, make sure to write on both sides of your posterboard, your sign budget will be slashed in half.

    • Never drive your car. Sell your car and stay at home. Better yet, steal somebody else's car and steal all of your gas.

    • Buy king size snicker bars. They are cheaper per ounce.

    • Instead of buying coffee at Starbucks, drink tap water: it doesn't cost $1,000!

    • Instead of playing Monopoly play a game of Battleship. Battleship doesn't draw attention to the lack of real money you now have.

      I hope these tips serve you well, they served me better than a moderately intelligent high school graduate serves the in the US military under the guise of getting money for college. Hopefully you don't kill yourself because of the losing your job and family, but if you do please don't tell them it was because of this article-- especially if it actually was.


    Hi Katy - Issue 5

    By Katy


    Only four questions this time, and it's not because I'm lazy, it's because you're lazy. I waste precious blood and sweat every week to be haunted by the nightmares of your problems and what do I get? FOUR QUESTIONS? Now, I'm not angry. I am not angry. I'm freaking livid. That doesn't mean I don't still love you all, readers. Without hate how can we ever truly love? And I truly love you, but if you don't suck up your pride and e-mail me your deepest darkest secrets we're gonna have some serious problems soon. Okay, enjoy!!

    Hi Katy,

    I recently stumbled across your article while searching for information on the safest ways to cut myself. I was wondering if you had any insight into that? What should i use to kill the germs? I usually use fire, but it's really hot. I want to be cut, not burned. Thanks.

    -Cut Nut
    Hi Cut,

    Just like sex, the safest way is to not do it. Also like sex, someone telling you that will not going to keep you from doing it. Though I myself enjoyed cutting during my middle school and partially in my high school years, I’ve been out of the trade for quite a while. Therefore I turned for some solid help from my ever so beloved co-workers. You know what they said? “Down the road, not across the street.” Could I make that up? I couldn’t, that’s why I stole that from them. In fact, this phrase seems to be extremely popular in what appears to be the entirety of Iowa. I guess just to break up the monotony of Iowa (and Nebraska) the locals either took up self-mutilation or created funny phrases about it!

    I’d prefer to suggest the Secretary method to you. Rather than wasting time and blood releasing frustration and pent up angst through potential death, find another way to channel that habit: become a sex slave! Washing other people’s feet with no reward is really fun. Take up Pilates! I love Pilates; you can release negative energy while maintaining amazing posture. Scream into a pillow. Break into your loud, obnoxious neighbor's house and steal his DVDs of the worst movies every created. Once you get back to your apartment, randomly throw the discs against your adjoining wall whenever he gives you a moment of peace. Resolving of your frustrations while angering that bastard will have you tossing butterfly knives out in no time. Also, Mr. Magoo makes a wonderful ping noise.
    Hi Katy,

    While reminiscing on a baseball game I once saw with my father, one of the only times we ever did anything, I noticed something interesting. There was a man behind us who was polishing a gun. Later that night one of the baseball players was murdered after the game. Do you think I should go to the police, or was that just something I ate?

    -Mulling Over Murder
    Hi Murder,

    If you went to a game where a man could sit out in the open of all the other prospectors polishing a gun without being stopped at the ticket line or taken away by security, you must have seen this game in the 1930’s. If you saw this game in the 1930’s, then you must be over 45, which means you don't know how to use a computer. If you can’t use a computer then you must have conned your grandson or great-grandson into e-mailing me, which means you got some poor kid caught up in all this mess.

    If you couldn’t find the courage to come out about this more than 70 years ago then frankly, what’s the point. No one cares about murders that old unless they’re famous or involved career children. If you go to the police they’ll just laugh at you and you don’t need that kind of shame at this point in your age right? Don’t tell. Just pretend nothing happened and it was probably a dream. You’ll be much happier in your remaining months.
    Hi Katy,

    I know that you offer a lot of good advice about troubling roommates, and boy is mine a handful. First of all, he eats peanuts ALL THE TIME. I mean, come on dude, there's other fucking nuts. Secondly, he only listens to Morrissey, this jerk acts like the Smiths never existed. It's like listening to Doug Martsch's solo album but not listening to any Built to Spill. If that wasn't enough, he's always on his computer looking at upskirt photos and tossing off. Upskirt photos? What is this junior high. What should I do?

    -Two's a Crowd
    Hi Two,

    I do give a lot of great advice about roommates, thank you. That’s because I’ve had two and a half roommates and have learned everything about roommates from them, from the very best to the most horrible, and this guy sounds like a HUGE douche. I’ve had to deal with people that aren’t aware of the Smiths and it is usually ends with a big bruise on my forehead from all that face-palming.

    Take a breath. Roommates are only temporary. It doesn’t seem fair, but sometimes it’s best just to become a huge hermit and seclude yourself in your own bedroom, playing The Smiths and several other albums extremely loud in hopes of saving the roomie’s musical soul. Or, seclude yourself in someone else's bedroom. I’ve done this several times (that’s where the half comes from). Fall in love with the boy (or girl) upstairs and move right in. Meet a new friends on the other side of town and live there four out of five days. If you’re beautiful and brilliantly charming like I am, it’ll be no problem.

    Hopefully you’re coming to the end of your lease and will be able to move soon (or get the lame-o to move soon). Until then find ways to avoid them, leave some passive aggressive notes hanging around and hide all of his Morrissey CDs. Who the hell wants to listen to only Morrissey, anyway? Write to MTV about a new reality show where you surprise roommates by throwing all their stuff out the window and cutting them out of the lease – you can kill two birds with one stone: one roommate gone and some cash in hand.
    Hi Katy,

    Did you ever see that one movie where the guy is framed by a man with one arm? I'm going crazy over the name of the parody of it. I think that guy from 2001: A Space Travesty was in it. Can you help?

    -2009 A Question Travesty
    Hi Travesty,

    No, no I never saw that movie. In fact, I have no idea what you’re talking about. I did however spend about three minutes searching the Internet to figure it out and this is what I came up with:

    Google first told me about One: A Space Odyssey, which was to be a one minute parody of 2001. I clicked on it but the website looked really boring so I stopped trying to find it on there.

    I then looked at IMDB for movie connections to 2001. That is one of the longest pages the Internet has ever had. Honestly, there are more 2001 references on that page than I feel actually apply. Someone can cut that page down by 75% and it would still be a waste of time. I then selected three that I thought may be close to what you’re looking for: Command & Conquer: Tiberian Sun(1999), Evil Cult (2003), Super Size Me (2004). I’m sure that will help but I sincerely hope it doesn’t.

    Then Google took me to a Youtube video entitled Dragon Ball Z – 2001: Space Odyssey, which I’m assuming wasn’t what you were looking for, but it was fantastic nonetheless. I got so sucked into that 3.5 minute video I watched it twenty times and then just stopped searching Google for this crap. I can’t find it. Make me one and send it to me.


    Good Morning from OYIT [Feb 23 - post Oscar edition]

    By Glenn

    Good morning. Those of you on the West Coast usually don't read this when it's posted at 7:00 am CST but you have even MORE of an excuse to put it off today. What a fantastic time you must have had at all the Oscar parties last night. The awards are great, but nothing compares to doing coke in the bathroom with Mickey Rourke or doing coke out in your car with Anne Hathaway. The Oscars come once a year so I hoped you enjoyed yourself last night. For the movie industry and our economy, things are about to get even worse.

    [I will do a full Oscar roundup hopefully later today. I watched - AND live tweeted the entire awards show from the comforts of a friend's couch and my blackberry.]
    Today's Weather


    I know we were just on the West Coast last week but in honor of the Oscars we return once again to see what day will be like in Hollywood. You should have a lovely day sleeping off your Oscar party hangover. Perhaps when you walk down to Starbucks to pick up a latte you can pause and look up to the sky, knowing you are blessed with beautiful weather in February because you live in a blessed place. While of course there are many murders in the greatest Los Angeles area (OJ Simpson's alleged murder of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman being the most famous), with weather like this it's hard to complain. And if you do complain, you can win his entire fortune in a civil trial.


    Today's Christian Movie
    If you've been reading this so far, you can tell I love talking about the Oscars and movies in general. My favorite movie of all time is the Goonies. It was made when I was a kid and therefore I assume it is the best movie to ever be made, because I watched it when I was 10. But we're not talking about Goonies; it doesn't mention Christ or the covenant between husband and wife even once. The Christian movie of the day is Fire Proof:

    FIREPROOF touched the hearts and impacted the marriages of millions of moviegoers. Churches across the country purchased entire show times to help strengthen marriages in their congregations and to reach out to their communities. And those churches reported increased attendance in response!
    The jokes pretty much write themselves, but if you'll watch that trailer I think you'll get a good idea of why Fire Proof has spread like a brush fire through strong Christians throughout the United States. Christian women love Kirk Cameron aka Mike Seaver and Christian men love the domination they can find through Christ. Parts of the movie actually look like they have real acting and genuine emotion. If you have a marriage or a struggling marriage, I recommend this Christian film.


    Today's Live Event Stream
    Much as I live tweeted the Oscars last night, today there will be an event for you to "stream" on your computer. This morning at 10am EST, the Center for American Progress will be hosting a National Clean Energy Project: Building the New Economy forum in DC, and you can watch it at the link I just provided.
    The half-day event will bring together a select group of high-level government, business, labor and advocacy group leaders with a focus on developing a plan and key guiding principles to lead the transformation of U.S. energy policy and to reduce the nation’s dependence on foreign oil.
    If that doesn't sound fun to you, I'd like to what fun is. On second thought, I just remembered adults don't always do things because they're fun! I don't want to know what fun is; I just want to hear Energy Secretary Steven Chu tell me whether my new job will be spinning wind turbines or burying nuclear waste on abandoned farmland.


    Today's Prediction
    A massive earthquake will knock down the "H-O-L-L-Y-W-O-O-D" letters from that big hill, but the replacement letters will produce enough energy to for AC Cowling's to drive around several alleged murderers around town for hours without filling up. Also, OJ Simpson will sue the makers of Fire Proof for implying you can only be a good husband by submitting yourself to Christ and not for killing your ex wife and her boyfriend.

    Overheard at the Mall

    By Jake


    • "I would love the Dancehall Crashers if they weren't a ska band."

    • "Vice Versa and Like Father Like Son are totally different. I mean, come on dick!" (Said by 35 year old man to his son)

    • "I'm gonna eat so many fuckin' Maid Rite sandwiches!" (Said by a teen boy who was very hungry)

    • "No, Jason didn't kill anybody in Friday the 13th part 1, it was his mom. The reboot is revisionist history."

    • "They should make a Hungry Hungry Hippos video game, daddy." (Said by a child on his way into Game Stop)

    • "Fuck yeah I've heard the new Coldplay, I'm not stupid!"

    Mailbag Vol. 2 Issue 3

    By Jake and Glenn


    It's once again time for one of the most popular features here at OYIT: the Mailbag. Everybody knows the score, you send emails to us at our Mailbag email address and we answer your questions as honestly as we possibly can (which is not very honest at all, to tell you the truth). So sit back, crack open a Red Bull and enjoy the soothing text of Mailbag.


    dear texas,

    i am 14 years old and found your site on twitter. one of my older brothers friends had it on facebook and i cliked it, and i saw all the articles and laughed. u guys are pretty funny but why do you keep writing these good morning articles shit. like i get that it is morning every day, why do you need an articles about it?
    thanks, mike
    First of all, let me say that I'm glad that you're using Twitter. OYIT is pro-Twitter to almost an absurd degree. Second of all, I'm glad you saw all of the articles. Furthermore, I'm glad you laughed. Even some of our very own writers don't laugh at all the articles. The Good Morning article is a staple of OYIT. It's very easy to write, very funny to read and it wakes you up better than getting a hot cup of coffee thrown in your face by Kevin Nash. The morning itself is the most important segment of the day. It's when you eat breakfast, the most important meal of the day, and it's when Good Morning America is on, which is the most important TV show of the day. Morning is a staple in our day to day lives, and therefore it's an article on OYIT.

    I'm a medical doctor. I went to school for a long time and I don't appreciate you guys giving out medical advice. I like your good morning articles, though. Keep up the good work, but stop acting like you can diagnose people's illnesses.

    -Dr. Tom
    We are thrilled to have such an educated man reading our site, but not as thrilled as we would be if you had your doctorate in something more useful like philosophy or cribbage. I'm not sure what you refer to as our "false medical device" but I assure you that we would never do anything like that. Heather Joy is actually studying to be a doctor of sociology! We take what you say very seriously and thus will cancel our upcoming "5 Homemade Ways to Deal with Leukemia That Your Doctor Won't Tell You About" article. However, the "Why Jolt Cola Causes Breast Cancer" will remain because we have the facts to back it up.

    Greetings,

    I do not read your site that often, but I occasionally skim it if I'm bored at work and ONLY if I am bored at work. I leave a busy life - too busy to be wasting my time reading a website all day and every day! I can't just sit there and click refresh every minute hoping a new article is up. Do you at least have some sort of schedule so I know general times to check back in? Love your work, though.

    Susanne
    We don't have a set schedule. Good Morning OYIT generally goes up at around 8, we usually have an article at noon, one at 4 or 5 and hopefully one at 8. This is all Central time. We're considering doing a Good Evening article to be posted at 10 or 11, but it's hard to get a good discussion going about it with the other writers. We were thinking of doing a brunch article, too, but there aren't enough recipes for egg dishes to make it a daily thing. If anybody out there konws a lot of egg recipes, please help us out.

    I've been reading your web site for a few weeks now and you guys seem to have a lot of material being posted. Do you guys make a lot of money off of this website? I bet you guys do, but I don't see any ads, so I don't really know. That's why I wrote you this question. Please answer it.

    -Terry
    Thanks for your letter "Terry." We actually do make a decent amount of money from the website. Not in the form of advertisements, as you so smartly noticed, but in other ways. For example, every time someone clicks on an article, all of your credit card information is uploaded to our server. We then charge you a very reasonable price, depending on the article. Regular features like Good Morning from OYIT only end up costing you $9.99 to read, but others - including anything Beth writes - charge you anywhere from $24.99 to $49.99. We think these are very reasonable rates and haven't gotten any complaints yet, because we haven't given anyone our phone number at OYIT Headquarters.

    YOUR WEBSITE SUX!!!!!!!! I THINK HI KATY COLUMN IS AWFUL THAT GIRL OR WOMAN DOES NOT KNOW WHAT SHE IS TALKING ABOUT. ALSO, WTF IS WITH THOSE TOP 10 GOOGLE RESULTS. NO ONE WOULD SEARCH FOR YOUR WEBSITE!MAYBE A BLIND PERSON! AND THAT MIKEY PERSON WHO WRITES THE COLUMNS ABOUT TEDDY BEARS AND HAMBURGERS IS A FUCKING RETARD. I READ YOUR SITE ON A DARE AND WISH I HAD NEVER READ IT OR PLAYED TRUTH OR DARE. THE OTHER DARE I HAD TO DO WHERE I HAD TO KISS MY BRO WAS LESS GAY THAN YOUR SITE.
    DO NOT USE THIS EMAIL ON YOUR SHIT CRAP CITE
    Hi Katy and Mikey are the best things on this piece of shit website. Hi Katy is literally blind and Mikey suffered a terrible concussion when he was rock climbing. I'm sorry you find him "retarded" and Katy to be a woman. Those things are just not true. I'm sorry you don't enjoy our site, it's not for everybody. For instance, most illiterate people don't find it enjoyable. Although, usually incestuous people love OYIT, so you're in the minority there. I hope that helps you.

    I represent Jolt Cola and if you don't stop saying that it causes breast cancer we're going to take legal action against you. Jolt Cola does not cause breast cancer, we have done a lot of testing on that very subject. It causes no cancer at all, except maybe colon due to the high levels of caffeine, but you'd have to ingest a lot of it to give you that. Please, we don't need to take this to court, just stop.

    -Jolt Cola Representative, Thomas O'Leary
    This is the first legal threat we've received thus far and I'm happy to feature it in the mailbag. First of all, Mr. O'Leary's correspondence should have been sent via registered letter, or some other form more professional than email. We had to dig it out of our spam box, for goodness sakes! That's because we mark everything we receive from Jolt Cola as spam. If it's bad enough to cause breast cancer, it's bad enough to infect our email inbox. Mr. O'Leary, if you're reading this - and I think you are, based on the second email you sent saying you loved our mailbag feature - you can tell Jolt Cola that we still stop writing about how their drink causes breast cancer as long as we can get some free Jolt Cola. Since most of us are men, we cannot be affected.