One Year In Texas Annual Good Morning Miami Fan Fiction Contest: Latest Entry


By Bub 

Some would say this is an actual submission and that the ones I posted yesterday were just ones I wrote and made up not-even-clever names for the contributors.

Some people go to see a chiropractor.

Some people remove their representatives from the U.S. when it officially recognizes the Armenian genocide.

Some would nibble the errant cheese off of their Egg McMuffin wrapper this morning.

This apparently is just a list of things some people would do...

Some, still, would submit their entries to the One Year Annual In Texas Good Morning Miami Fan Fiction Contest to bub@oneyearintexas.com.

Here's the next submission, enjoy!



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Jake Silver: I can't believe how low the ratings are here at this station in Miami. That's it! I've got it! The solution to our low-rating blues.

Sister Brenda Trogman: I hope it has nothing to do with firing me. I am a nun after all.

Jake: Yes, you are a nun and you do the weather. That is quite something. You are the only thing interesting on this station. Who better to tell us the weather than a woman who has God's ear.

Sister Brenda: Aye! Luckily we're in Miami where our weather is often warm and sunny.

Jake: Yes, that is quite lucky. We are truly blessed, although our ratings are truly dismal.

Sister Brenda: Perhaps we should pray for better ratings.

Jake: Sister, do you think it is worth wasting our breath on such a petty problem when children are being raped at gun point by maniacs and men and women who served our country in order to protect our freedom have to live on the street and eat out of the garbage like a modern Heathcliff? Let us pray for an end to famine! Let us pray for less rape!

Sister Brenda: You are right Mr. Silver. I am disappointed in myself. Let's go donate our time to a soup kitchen!

Jake: Soup is disgusting. Let's just figure out a way to finally turn around our ratings, which are in the toilet. We better grab a skimmer and raise them out before somebody flushes all of our jobs down.

Sister Brenda: The world is changing sir. I'm afraid this--

[Gavin Stone enters.]

Gavin: Shut up and listen. The ratings just came in.

Jake: Oh great. I think I'm going to need a stiff drink.

Sister Brenda: Mr. Silver it's only 9 o'clock.

[Jake Silver shoots Sister Brenda a hard look.]

Jake: So, are we still in last place in the entire country?

Gavin: We are sir, but we gained an entire share point.

Jake: This truly is a good morning, Miami.

Sister Brenda: By the way, what is your plan to turn this station around Mr. Silver?

Jake: Airing live executions.

The End.


Meeting on Low Ratings
Jake
Hammond, IN

One Week In-tertainment (3-06-10)

By Jake 

Brooklyn Decker is going to appear in the new Jennifer Aniston/Adam Sandler/Nicole Kidman film Just Go with It.

A Zoolander sequel is in the works. Hmmm...

Some idiot thinks making a Gilligan's Island movie is a good idea.

The impossibly bad film Police Academy is getting rebooted. I think Police Academy-mania happened once and it was embarrassing enough that time.

Sarah Palin was on Jay Leno's The Tonight Show with Jay Leno starring Jay Leno and Kevin Eubanks on Tuesday and did some stand-up. I must admit that I enjoy her brand of gentle stand-up moreso than Sinbads.

Jim Carey is a fucking grandfather! Fuck that guy!

Marie Osmand's son committed suicide.

Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo (who?) adopted a puppy. Yep, that's news.

Tiffani Thiessen got pregnant and started eating meat. She used to be a vegetarian like many of the OYIT writers.

Jessica Simpson hasn't forgiven John Mayer. I haven't either, but for making the shittiest music possible.

Owen Wilson has joined the next Woody Allen movie.

OYIT Celebrity of the Year, Jenna Elfman gave birth to her second son. Congrats Jenna!

First Round of Submissions : One Year In Texas Annual Good Morning Miami Fan Fiction Contest



By Bub 


Welcome to the One Year In Texas Annual Good Morning Miami Fan Fiction Contest. The best thing about this fan fiction contest is that you don't have to be a fan nor do you have to submit fiction. You don't even have to be LITERATE! You can just copy and paste full scripts from the original Good Morning Miami, or you can even mash your sore-covered paws into the keyboard for ten minutes. Whatever you submit, I'll post it, you'll win. It's that simple folks. Email your entries to bub@oneyearintexas.com. Prizes are still TBA but one thing is for certain, they'll involve murder. Anyway here is the first round of submissions, enjoy!
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Good Morning, Miami. How are you doing, how about this weather? Who had the diet Sprite? Let me introduce myself, my name is Lipitor and I will be your server today. Welcome to the Missile Crisis Cafe, L.A.'s finest Cuban and Russian fusion bistro. Today's special is the banana leaf borscht, that's traditional beetroot borscht poured into a banana leaf boat topped with Crimean raisins to resemble a traditional Cuban family fleeing their homeland. You can have that with a side of coconut flavored eggplant mash or cucumber and cabbage croquetas. The chef is recommending the plantain and pork-jowl aspic which comes with either vodka arroz or black beans in sour milk; and dulce de hard-boiled eggs for desert. I'll get you started with some chips and our famous salted herring salsa, hasta la victoria siempre, and remember, let me know if you need a refill of that diet Sprite.

Second World Sass
Blue Note Betty
Columbia, Missouri




"Good morning Miami, for the last time."

A crash is heard as the Miami skyline snow-globe that was just hurled explodes against the wall. Then another. Then, another. Then more and more in rapid succession until a great sonic fury of breaking glass and water splashing drowns out his gleeful howls. This continues for about thirty seconds until his box of snow globes is empty.

"Alright cheerful winter scene, are you satisfied?"

Suffocated by Snow Globes
Lipitor Samuels
Shepherdsville, Kentucky




DJ: Welcome to Good Morning Miami, caller you're on the air.

Caller: Good morning, I was just wondering about the traffic, is this a live traffic update broadcast?

DJ: Yes it is! Next caller.

Caller: Hello, I caught my grandson with a water hose under his bed and my husband thinks he may be a homosexual, what can I do?

DJ: Perhaps a water hose is just the thing you and Mr. Grandma need. Next caller.

Caller: Marcos? Marcos?? Can I speak with Marcos???

DJ: Why of course, it doesn't sound as if you'd have any trouble at all. Next caller.

Caller: Hello, Good Morning Miami. I'm tired of my taxes going to pay for my own food stamps. All I can think to do is fly a plane into a building, any suggestions?

DJ: You may want to start off small and gain experience. First, try flying a plane into tent at a camp ground, next caller.

Caller: Hey y'all I was just wonderin' if you had to choose would you give up yer subscription to the Economist or the New Yorker?

DJ: Neither, I only subscribe to the basketball fanzine Slam! Next caller.

Caller: Yea, whatever happened to Lynard Skynard?

DJ: He died in a plane wreck, at a campground I believe, next caller.

Caller: Hi. How many times does it take till you make it all the way across the globe?

DJ: It depends, but, seven. Next caller.

Caller: Hi Good Morning Miami, do you know who this is?

DJ: Uh...

Caller: That's right, it's me, Good Morning Dallas. You didn't think I'd find your number, did you? I guess that's why you never called mine after I gave it to you after you impregnated me on the coffee bar of a Waffle House?!

DJ: Aye aye...

Caller: Well Mister Pepper Pants, expect the State of Florida to be making a regular visit to your paycheck. Say hello to your son, Carlos.

Baby Caller: goo goo, goo-d morning...

DJ: Next caller.


Unexpected Caller
Canadian Bub
Waterloo, Ontario

Good Morning, It's Time for Revolution!

By Katy

I have been sitting here at Job #2 for about three hours fuming about how Internet is no longer available at Job #1 based on the mistakes and negligence of a few employees who should have lost their Internet, rather than the entire center. However, the fuming helped me to realize I better get to writing before I'm Internet-less. So, it's Thursday night, but it's Good Morning Friday.

Today's Weather





Looks like we've got some bad weather crashing down on us today, in the form of a shit storm. A shit storm created by a lot of employees who have seen the final proverbial straw after paycuts, new health insurance, discontinuance of our 401K, and janitorial work followed by loads of disrespect, disregard, and snarky fucking e-mails from management. For everyone else though, it's lookin' pretty nice. Today I went outside without my gloves OR my hat OR my scarf. I'm crazy, I know. It's March. March is for madness. I'm mad at my employer. Moo.

Today's Theatrical Releases

  • Brooklyn's Finest (Rated R for who cares? Alice In Wonderland comes out today)


    • Synopsis: Eddie (Richard Gere), Tango (Don Cheade), and Sal (Ethan Hawke) are all cops about to cross paths. Eddie is a week away from retirement, Sal is struggling to care for his wife and seven kids, and Tango favors his friendship with a prisoner, Caz (Wesley Snipes), over his cop buddies. All three are set to meet on a crime scene set amidst the corrupt and drug-ridden streets of Brooklyn where I hope something happens. Apparently something about "destiny." This movie is destined to make less money than Alice in Wonderland.

    My Take: I've been a fan of cop shows for a long time, Law & Order, Cold Case, CSI,, etc., but I don't care a whole lot for cop shows. Picturing Richard Gere as a police officer seems kind of silly and Ethan Hawke taking care of seven kids is just sad. I'm sure this movie is decent, but I surely won't be seeing it as I'll be spending the entire day watching Alice in Wonderland repeatedly until I understand it/hate it.




  • Alice In Wonderland (Rated PG for kids and this quote straight from IMDB, "a smoking caterpillar.")


    • Synopsis: Even folks over 45 should know the general story of Alice in Wonderland. But Tim Burton just keeps on a truckin'. This story is about Alice (Mia Wasikowska) returning to Wonderland as a 19-year-old and reuniting with all the wonderful people she met on her first trip (that's trip, as in the play-on for taking a trip somewhere as well as a drug trip in which several people take drugs and take a drip through the imagination which is just like Wonderland).

    My Take: So, the other day I watched Alice, a three hour spin on this classic tale with a 21-year-old Alice venturing to bring back her love from the throws of the Queen of Hearts (Kathy Bates). It was insane. It was full of every type of cliche from every type of genre and mixed up with lots of crazy. It was awesome. But I was high. But it was awesome. So terribly awesome that I'm afraid it will outside the Alice in Wonderland I've been waiting so patiently for. I'll see it at my first available opportunity, but don't be surprised if this movie is ten times more disappointing than Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

    Today's Prediction:

    Jake will comment about how overrated Tim Burton is, while Maddie and Glenn will praise the amazing work I do as your Friday GM writer. James won't read this post. I will walk into my manager's office in the morning and explain to her how to speak to human beings over the age of ten, be promptly fired, filed for unemployment, then spend my remaining dollars on Alice in Wonderland. Being overcome in disappointment and the despair of losing my main income, I'll call Glenn and ask if I can live in California with him. Then I will.

    Hey, How are You all doing Tonight?

    By Jake 

    Is every Mexican wrestler in the flamboyant witness protection program? I mean, what's the deal with these masks? It's like a teenaged girl with a bedazzler went to town on her father's ski mask. Imagine if OJ Simpson's daughter had done that with his ski mask. People would have thought a luchador was murdering OJ's ex-wife her lover. Plus, his book confessing the murder would have been a lot more interesting. "I slit my wife's throat with a knife and then hit a tope con hilo on Ron Goldman. Just as I was about to go to the top for a big splash, Goldmancito came out of nowhere and pushed me off, allowing Goldman to steal the second fall." Speaking of knives, does anybody have those knives that can cut through a baseball? Who needs half of a baseball? Did a baseball team disagree on slavery and have to split in two? Slavery, now that's a touchy subject. Another subject that's a bit touchy is video game violence, am I right? You guys play that game Grand Theft Auto? That's pretty graphic, huh? I was walking around the city with a chainsaw cutting up hookers, then I went home and played some Grand Theft Auto.

    Do you guys go to the movies? It's getting pretty expensive isn't it? I went to see Avatar and had to take out a second mortgage on my house to buy a box of Sno-caps. Speaking of Sno-caps, global warming is pretty scary isn't it? Being from the midwest I wouldn't mind a few extra degrees in the winter, but I don't want to live underwater like Aquaman. Comedians usually put Aquaman to task for having lame powers. "Who wants to talk to fish," these jokers glibly say. Hey, maybe fish know something that we don't. Maybe they are excellent story tellers. Maybe they are better rappers than humans. I just dislike how negative comedy is toward fish. Speaking of negative, do you ever have to jump your car to get it started? You got those cables that you have to untangle, then you gotta find somebody to jump your car. Is there anything more embarrassing than begging somebody to jump your car? What about when the people who won't help you do it? Don't you want to pull a plastic bag out of your backseat and suffocate those people and steal their cars?

    Do you guys listen to underground music? A lot of people think it's exciting being the first of your friends to hear a new band. I'm like that, too. I spend a lot of time producing my own rap albums under the name MC Donald. I only rap about hamburgers. I never let anybody listen to my music. It helps me remain relevant in the alternative music scene. Speaking of scenes, you guys remember that scene from Psycho where Janet Leigh is taking a shower and Norman Bates stabs her? That's the reason I never take showers and have a hard time falling asleep in motels. Motels are pretty dingy though, aren't they? The last time I stayed at one I spent all night fighting over the blanket with a roach. Speaking of blankets, you guys know about the Snuggie? It's a blanket with sleeves that is popular with today's youth. If all you have to do to invent things is add sleeves then I got a great idea for a new kind of shotgun. Do you guys call shotgun when you're riding with a bunch of friends? Don't you hate the guy who tries to make up all these rules like "you can't call shotgun inside" or "you have to be able to see the car before you call it." It makes me want to pull out a shotgun and see if he makes a bunch of rules then. "You can't shoot me until you see the whites of my eyes." Pow.

    Good Morning Miami



    By Bub

    Good morning

    Today, 149 years ago, Abraham Lincoln was sworn into office. Fifty-six years later, same day still, Jeanette Rankin took her seat as the first woman to serve as a U.S. Representative. Seventy years after that, on this day, Ronald Reagan admitted to sponsoring Iranian sponsored terrorism in order to sponsor Central American terrorism in the Iran-Contra affair. Today, today, Ronald Reagan is being seriously discussed as the future face of our $50 bill, Sarah Palin is shopping a reality show, and Abraham Lincoln is being portrayed as a Vampire hunter in an upcoming Tim Burton film (to Katy and Nate's delight).


    Today's Wisdom from the Unification Church of Reverend Sun Myung Moon

    From The True Parents' History for Children:

    For one month Father remained in the Pyungyang prison. Then he was transferred to the Tong Nee Special Labor Concentration Camp at Hung Nam, which is located on the northeast side of North Korea. This was not like an American prison, where prisoners might do light jobs and spend many hours in clean cells to write letters home, relax, or even work on their college degrees.

    This prison was at a nitrogen fertilizer factory. There was a small mountain of hardened lime which the prisoners had to break up and haul to another place. They had to break up the lime, pack it into rice-straw bags holding eighty pounds each, weigh it, and take it off to the loading dock. Each group of ten men was responsible for loading 1,300 bags every day, which meant about one bag every half-minute. The bags were heavy. The lime made their fingers bleed with big sores.


    Speaking of Sores:





    President Reagan praising another Rev. Moon publication, The Washington Times:

    The American people know the truth and you, my friends at The Washington Times, have told it to them. It wasn’t always the popular thing to do, but you were a loud and powerful voice. Like me, you arrived in Washington at the beginning of the most momentous decade of the century. Together, we rolled up our sleeves and got to work.



    That's right, Miami Vice was more momentous than the Holocaust




    Well, that was pretty exciting.


    Today's Prediction

    You will become so disenchanted by my omission of reference to the post's eponymous sitcom, and my courageous skewering of a dead president and reviled cult figure, that you will decide to write your best Good Morning Miami fan fiction, replete with vampire hunting slave freers and sores of many kinds.


    Which brings me to a big announcement:


    Today is the official start of the Annual One Year In Texas, Good Morning Miami Fan Fiction Contest. If you enter, you win. Make all submissions to bub@oneyearintexas.com. I wish you luck.

    Getting to Know the Bad Girls Club (A Beginners Guide)


    By Gary 

    I know what everyone is thinking "...But Gary who gives a shit about the BGC when Jersey Shore is all the rage!" The short answer is: I do. The Bad Girls Club, for those of you that don't know, is a "reality" show where a bunch of self proclaimed "Bad Girls" live in a giant mansion in LA. What is the catch you ask?!? There is no catch, that is the catch. THERE IS NO CATCH. These fine young women just live in a giant mansion. That's it and the only threat of being voted off the show is if you beat the shit out of someone or threaten to slit a house-mate's throat. Now I know a lot of shows promise this kind of stuff; fights, death threats, and a sex toy vending machine in the living room, but only the BGC delivers this not just once a season but sometimes 3 or 4 times an episode.

    I know just reading the paragraph above makes you want to go a free TV show streaming website without regard for how many viruses will download to your computer...Wait. Just like any great TV show it is better once you get to know the characters.

    Natalie

    This girl is the huge cunt of the house. She loves cock teasing professional athletes into giving her a credit card. This tactic works roughly 0% of the time. You mainly see Natalie snuggling with a random football player in bed after a night of clubbing. You will then see her begging the guy for a credit card as him and his "crew" quickly leave shouting "hell nah". She's also known for spitting in people's faces whom tell her to shut the fuck up about fucking Bon Scott's grandson in a night club bathroom.

    She also has a boyfriend! Here's the real mind fuck: Her boyfriend is a guy that desperately wants to be a famous rapper and Natalie desperately wants to fuck a famous rapper, and somehow from this show they are both becoming marginally famous.

    Kate

    Kate is the racist of the house. She once claimed that she didn't want to go to a "sweaty black place". I don't think she is that racist, she's just from a small town. I am from a small town and I consistently deny the holocaust on accident.

    Kate shocked viewers when, after fighting with Natalie about her name dropping for half a season, she bonded with her through admitting she had sex with the lead singer of Nickleback. This is definitely something beginners need to know. When you start your all day series marathon for the first time... just remember that Kate had sex with the lead singer of Nickleback. To save face I think she should recant her story and claim it was the lead singer of a Nickleback cover band. I don't know why that is better, but it is.


    Amber


    Amber is the Bi-aphobic of the house. She is always on Bisexual cast-mate Flo's ass for not choosing a side. She views sexuality like it is Marvel Comic's Civil War mini-series. You are either an Iron Man girl or a Captain American girl...none of that Spiderman inbetweenie weenie bullshit.

    Her raging bi-aphobia culminates in her breaking Flo's ankle. Yeah it was pretty sweet.

    Flo


    Flo is the bisexual of the house. She has a thick Brooklyn accent and always looks like she is three seconds away from curb stomping everyone in her sight. She famously got her ankle broken after being shoved in the pool by Amber. Flo retaliated with what pro-wrestling fans know as a devastating bitch toss.


    Kendra


    Kendra is the wild card of the house. It would seem to viewers that she has a giant wheel of her cast-mates and spins it each episode. Whatever person it lands on Kendra decides to fight with that day.

    She is also famous for loving the sex toy vending machine, and throwing people's personal belongings out of windows. My diagnosis is that she is not so much a bad girl as a bi-polar girl. I expect the series to end with her calling 911 after drowning the entire cast in the hot tub.

    Lexie


    She is the mother of the house. She just wants everyone to have a good time and calm down. She will make a great mother someday. Oh and also like any good mother she loves getting trashed and getting naked. It will be one hell of a first birthday party for her son.

    Annie

    She is the quiet one. Annie's only claim to bad girlness is that she always sleeps with married men. She says it is because every guy she happens to be attracted to is married. I say it is because she is only attracted to 50 year old men wearing golf shirts in hotel bars.

    Annie is also the smart one because she has glasses and has read a book.


    I leave you with these fights from the first episode. This is just from one episode. ENJOY

    Filling In #2

    By Jake 

    You're probably disapointed to not see a Good Morning post by Nate (the regular Wednesday GM writer), but he was feeling a bit under the weather and asked me to fill in for him. This would be the perfect transition into doing the weather ("Speaking of the weather..."), but we're not all from the same place so what's the point?

    A Haiku
    Turn into liquid
    Secret World of Alex Mack
    GC-161

    A Photo

    The trees in my front yard and the moon.

    A Joke
    What's the difference between a desk and a woman?
    A desk is not capable of feeling emotions (among many other great differences)

    A Music Video

    Watch this, trust me.

    I think that's enough. I'll see you kids soon with a real post.

    Local Business Showcase: Raisinets


    By Bub 

    ‘Raisinets,’ chimes a four part choir as the Raisinets logo – the red letters on white field with deep-puce trim – superimposes onto a cross-street scene on Chicago’s west side.

    Cut to vox-pop of dashing young Gangster Disciple, Frank.

    “Yea, I kill ma’ fuckers over Raisinets… They’re that good.”

    Cut to close-up of blind-folded thirteen year old, hands tied behind back, pleading for his life. "You should have thought about that before you came through here all flauntin' them Raisinets!" Frank executes the teen, semi-reminiscent of the famous Eddie Adams photo of a street execution in Saigon. Camera pans out to see the thirteen year old’s bike with a very large bag of Raisinets in the front basket. Frank tucks the pistol into his waistband, grabs the Raisinets, gives a sweeping glance for witnesses, then flees.

    ‘Raisinets,’ chimes a four part choir.

    “It’s true; I sold my child into slavery for Raisinets. They just taste so good. You wouldn’t understand, it’s like licking God’s asshole,” says Rogelio, a middle aged meat-packer.

    Cut to dramatic recreation of Rogelio’s transaction. Rogelio is visibly weeping, his daughter, Inez, who is ten, is unaware that she will never see her father again and is very confused. A Yale graduate in a trench coat approaches the dark corner of the parking garage where Rogelio and Inez are waiting. The Yale grad opens a briefcase revealing at least a dozen bags of Raisinets. Rogelio begins to wail at the sight and collapses to the ground. The trench-coated man yanks Inez away from her father and flings the brief-case full of Raisinets, open, with disdain, in Rogelio’s direction. Inez and The Man flee; Inez is still confused but somewhat relieved to be leaving her abusive father. Camera closes in on wailing Rogelio who is now fisting into his mouth unopened bags of Raisinets, along with copious amounts of snot, and tears.

    ‘Raisinets,’ chimes a four part choir.

    Cut to a shack, deep in the Montana woods, a fully bearded man in a hooded sweatshirt, resembling the Unabomber, is packing a bomb into a Fed Ex box. Camera pans in to the faux Unabomber, ‘Oh, God... Raisinets!!' he gasps, as he shakes his fists in the air then tapes the box shut, pauses, and collapses onto the table, head in arms, weeping.

    Cut to a shot of a Federal building exploding somewhere in the Great Plains.

    ‘Raisinets,’ chimes a four part choir as the Raisinets logo – the red letters on white field with deep-puce trim - flashes across the screen obscuring the burning debris and human misery.

    Life With Mikey [3-01-10]

    By Mikey 

    I was searching 'milkshake' on Youtube earlier today. Did you know that there is a song about milkshakes bringing all the boys to some nice ladies yard? I would love to have her recipe!



    That guy from U2 needs to shut his trap.

    Is Dr. Oz the Wizard of Oz's brother?

    I wish I would have never rented Soul Plane.

    I'd choose grape juice mixed with Sprite over wine any day of the week.

    What is Waldo hiding from? Somebody should write a novel about that.

    Family Matters got a lot of negative press, but it's actually pretty funny.

    I can't wait until The Blind Side comes to the Red Box. I love football movies!

    Chex Mix needs peanuts.

    Yes, I'd love some horseradish on that beef sandwich.

    Batman is good, but Dick Tracy has an unbeatable swagger..

    French toast is one non-McDonald's breakfast I love.

    If I have to listen to one more comedian complain about airline peanuts I'm going to start riding the bus!

    this is just lazy


    By James 


    Good morning, readers. God morgen, to my older readers. We are on the verge of another Monday, and all of the discomfort it will bring. Today, contemplate how meaningful your future is in the face of death. If you can't take anything with you, and if all we have is the transient present, how wonderful can life be? Not very wonderful. That's how wonderful. Despair. Now, do or say something ironic. Please, don't argue. This is a fact of living in a post-post-modern age. Now, write a personal essay about your life, and try to get it published.

    Really, what is there to say? I do not know, which is why I am rambling on like this. What jokes could I make to stave off this Monday, and its horrifying ramifications (the rest of the week)? All life on this planet is crawling towards exhaustion, and these Good Morning posts I've been writing are no different. I have only just begun, and already there is so little left to say. So, this Monday, as in today, start your week with The Vanity of Existence by Arthur Schopenhauer, and come to understand how pointless it would be to end your purposeless life. Print it out and give it your best friend.

    I am going to get fired from writing for a site I don't even get paid to write for.

    Hi Katy [Volume II, Issue VI]

    By Katy



    Hi Katy,
    Can you give me some gardening advice? I want to start a garden when it starts getting warm outside but I don't know where to begin.
    -Greenthumb Gil

    Hi Gil,

    I would start with some land. Some land that you can cultivate. Since I don't know where in the world you're writing from, I don't know what sort of land you're farming and therefore, it's difficult to be more specific so I'll start with something simple and universal.

    To till or not to till?

    There's a lot to be said for the advantages of tilling versus not tilling. This Wikipedia article offers some general tilling pros:

  • Plowing loosens and aerates the soil which in turn facilitates deeper penetration of roots. A drawback is the compaction of the lower layers of soil.[citation needed]
  • It helps in the growth of microorganisms present in the soil and thus, maintains the fertility of the soil, though fertility can decline as microorganisms' boom period after tilling is followed by a bust period. It is debatable whether worms benefit or suffer from tillage.[citation needed]
  • It helps in the mixing of organic matter(humus)and nutrients evenly throughout the soil.

    • The no-till method has shown increasing emergence in the agricultural world because it's greatly beneficial to soil quality by increasing the amount of water and decreasing erosion. It also prevents the compacting of soil that is caused by tilling.

    Do some research on this stuff, let me know where you live, and we can get down to the dirty truth of garden starting.

    hi k8y
    i just heard of this website called www.twitter.com do u know anything about it i think it looks kind of kewl but idk 4 sure lol do u have 1? also is it safe to have sex w/ no saran wrap or condom if i havent gotten my period yet? lol
    -tweet tweet like a bird

    Hi Tweet,

    I was an avid Twitterer (Tweater, if you will) for a solid week and a half about six months ago. It was really great and I was able to find out absolutely everything Glenn and Jacob and OYIT were doing during the day. I'd wake up at 10PM and go through three dozen text messages detailing Jake's latest meal or Glenn's re-tweets to Nate. It was exhilarating, and taking up a great deal of texts messages.

    I had considered, just yesterday, getting rid of my Twitter altogether because I just don't use it. I have status updates, OYIT updates, Gmail Buzz updates, text messaging, e-mails, a life, etc. BUT, Twitter is nice to keep up on my latest Joss news without the inconvenience of having to visit whedonesque directly. So, should you get a Twitter account? I think everything I've said this far answers to a very obvious, "Of coruse." Everyone has Twitter, man, get with the program.

    As for your saran wrap/condom question. If you haven't gotten your period yet then you're already pregnant with triplets. Of course you can have sex without a condom and be okay.

    hi katy,
    i'm a 20-year-old who lives in a really big city. it's hard to meet people here! especially since i hate/judge 76% of the population three minutes into a conversation. do you have any advice? besides getting over myself?
    -Who Am I Kidding This is Maddie

    Hi Maddie,

    Oh Maddie, such bravery it takes to come out so boldly.

    I think you're missing the bigger picture here. You have the good fortune to find yourself in a city amongst millions of other people who hate/judge at the very LEAST 76% of the population three minutes into a conversation. In fact, you've probably met several people you could have been friends with but they didn't like you because they hate blogs and you immediately told them you write for OYIT. It's understandable.

    The good news is that you have a real opportunity here to meet the perfect people you should be surrounded by. If you can get past that three minutes of conversation, and you and said other person find each other tolerable, you'll probably have everything else ever in common.

    Some ways of meeting people:

  • OKCupid: This is a really easy way to meet people even though you'll probably hate almost all of them. I certainly did. If a jewel manages to get through to you on the vast vastness of the Internets, they're a keeper.
  • Speed Dating: Since you only have one minute with each person, you won't have to worry about hating them right away. YOu can save this for your first and last date.
  • Volunteer: I suggest you volunteer somewhere you really care about, that way when you meet other people, you'll know you share at least one common interest, or choose a site ripe with criminal offenders working off their community service.
  • Get a Job: 89% of my romantic and platonic relationships have been with my co-workers from various jobs. It feels really pathetic, but it's better than being pathetic and alone.
  • Get a dog: and walk it. People in NYC love dogs and walking them and seeing other people walk dogs. It's the number one way people meet other people (and dogs) in the Big Apple. If you really want to draw some attention, get a sloth and walk it.
  • Go to a Show: No, I don't mean take in a movie or spend $200 on Mamma Mia! tickets, I mean go to a show wherein bands you like play. People with similar music taste usually share other common interests. Get drunk, try some drugs, and taking to people will be as easy as vomiting in a dank and remote corner.
  • Home Depot": or another home improvement store. Men like to improve things; homes, cars, j/o techniques, women, and television sizes. You'll have quite the pick at a store like this, plus, you already know they can help out around the house.
  • Central Park: prior to 8PM is a nice place to act out a romantic movie fantasy. You can accidentally bump into several people, judge them immediately, and carry on a conversation based on those judgments. If you hate 'em, yell at them for bumping into you.
  • Sex In The City For Real: I found this article I hope will help you, not necessarily because you're looking for sex OR women, but because it lists off the exact TYPES of people you'll find wandering around these places. I hope you like yuppies and hipsters. They're EVERYWHERE in New York.

    I hope this helps Maddie, otherwise you'll welcome to live with me in Iowa.