Jake's Movie Previews

By Jake 



Katy is a mere few weeks away from stepping into 1998 and having internet access. Lucky for me, this has been one of the greatest movie-going summers in cinema history. Every film committed to a hard drive via digital film and then converted into 3D has been a huge smash saturated in originality. From the brilliant, original film Iron Man 2 to the off-the-wall where'd-they-get-that-idea masterpiece Shrek 4, Hollywood is enjoying an amazing, quality filled summer that is sure to outgross every other summer, and not just because tickets are $5 more expensive than last year. Who needs $5 anyway? It's not like money and jobs are hard to come by.

The A-Team

Synopsis: The A-Team is a highly original art film about a group of alphabet soldiers who are outnumbered. Nearly all of the letters are accounted for, but when 'Q' goes missing, the A-Team is called into action. With 'P' and 'R' on the case, you know that 1, 2 and 3 are about to be subtracted. Based on the popular English alphabet and numbers.
My Take: This pandering to the intellectual elite has gone on for too long. When will they make a film for the people of average intelligence? I say we write Hollywood and beg them to make something we can sit back, chew popcorn that we paid $30 for and not have to think.

The Karate Kid

Synopsis: A kid learns karate, thus becoming the karate kid.
My Take: Will Smith's son is a dynamic Scientoligist. While this film has nothing to do with aliens or paying for ansers, it is about paying for entertainment. If you are excited about a highly original film, then this is the movie for you. I'm glad that Hollywood isn't afraid of trying new things.

Okay, no more sarcasm.

My Advice to You: If you're boycotting BP because they created a gushing stream of oil into the Gulf of Mexico, then why not boycott going to the movies. Hollywood is creating a perpetual stream of remakes and sequels and they're only doing it because people pay for it. If people paid to go see films like The Hurt Locker then that's what they'd make. That movie only made $12 million. What the fuck? I haven't seen a film at the cinema since Pineapple Express and I'd be fine with never seeing another one there. Buy some drugs and have some real fun. A drug dealer will use your money for something better than funding a movie about Marmaduke.

Watch these movies instead: The Gold Rush, Duck Soup, The Youth of the Beast, Two for the Road, Safety Last, Arsenic and Old Lace or even Robocop. Anything is better than the shit they're putting out now.

Good Morning World Cup

By Keelin 



Good morning. Or as a Mexican soccer announcer might say, "Goooooooooooooooooooooood morning!" You may have heard by now that the World Cup, the premiere tournament of non-American "football," is under way in South Africa. In addition to the thrilling competition, this event offers the rest of the world an occasion to agree on something besides hating us. Here in the USA we feign polite interest in this sport for about a week and then resume caring only for our traditional ball-centric sports for another four years. It's truly multilateralism at its finest.

Today's Weather



According to the internet, it's either a brisk or balmy 9 degrees in sunny Johannesburg today. Being an American, I am constitutionally barred from understanding centigrade temperatures, so you'll have to guess whether 9 degrees is warm or cold. On the one hand, it's the southern hemisphere. On the other, it's their winter. Who can tell? Isn't this fun!

Today's Soccer Term



Whenever I go to England, I am always pleasantly surprised to see they have their very own celebrities, getting drunk and not wearing underwear with those charming accents they all have! Anyway, some of the most famous women in the UK are the "WAGs," which is an acronym for wives and girlfriends of professional soccer players. As far as I can tell, the sole responsibilities of these women are to pose for pictures while shopping and to look distraught when the seedy British tabloids catch their husbands with strippers. These women have the courage of Carly Fiorina, Meg Whitman and Nikki Haley all rolled into one.

Today's Soccer Prediction



Although Brazil and Spain are favored to win the World Cup, the scrappy team from Lithuania will have a Cinderella ride to the championship. Initially dismissed because they play in acid-wash jeans from the '80s and smoke unfiltered cigarettes during penalty kicks, these resourceful eastern Europeans will outwit their opponents with a little heart, a little pride, and a little help from their nation's vast network of organized crime.

No Direction: An Interview with Music Icon Billy William Sanskrit




By Bub 

Legendary performer and cultural icon Billy William Sanskrit is one of the most prolific entertainers and song writers of the past fifty years. One Year In Texas has an exclusive conversation with the reclusive and eccentric star:

Billy William agreed to do the interview in the gymnasium of a high school he had built on his estate. The school offers classes to carnival children on subjects as varied as cotton candying and corn balling to a three day seminar featuring Billy himself lecturing on the first two Punic Wars.

For the first fifteen minutes I was asked to sit in silence, focusing my attention on a lithograph of Civil War Major General Napoleon Jackson Tecumseh Dana while Billy William polished his belt and hat buckles.






When he was ready, his manager told me, Billy would sneeze holding one finger to his nose. This was trickier to gauge than I anticipated as Billy sneezed repeatedly while polishing his buckles, always covering his nostrils with two or more fingers to test my fortitude while I tried to make an accurate finger count out of the corner of my gaze, still directed toward the visage of the Major General.

Luckily I had gotten it right on the single finger sneeze as when I looked up from the picture I was not immediately escorted out off of the premises. I began the interview by asking, 'Zen and the art of... buckle polishing?'

Billy William: That was a book I wrote with Robert Pirsig when we were moonlighting as false prophets at a Moorish Science Temple in Dearborn, Michigan. Michael, as I called him, wound up stealing my ideas and changing every word in the book that originally read 'buckle polishing' to 'motorcycle momma'. He stole my motorcycle momma too, some years later, after he decided to change the word 'momma' to 'maintenance'. He was a dictionary publisher at the time, and I was an encyclopedia salesman, and well, you know what happened from there of course, that's why you're here.

Me: You became a star?

Billy William: Well, yes. In the literal sense. But years before I had become an artist.

Me: How did that come about?

Billy William: Well I already told you the Robert Pirsig story, but I guess that's just not enough for you media types. If you had any ideas in your head, instead of printing words you'd fill that magazine with pressed flowers and pictures of vomiting horses and a hologram of Jesus Christ crying from a broken heart in front of a Burger King. That's reality, but you wont see that in any magazine, because it doesn't exist. (Begins humming the Battle Hymn of the Republic, getting louder as I ask my next question)

Me: Tell me more about your reality?

Billy William: HMMM HMMM, HMMM HMMM, HMMMMMMM. (whispers) I don't need to tell you because I just wrote it as your epitaph on your misshapen headstone.

Me: Your conversion to Mormonism, mistake or mishap?

Billy William: I didn't convert to anything. The whole world uncoverted around me, and so I was left there holding the bag. The the fans tried to blame me for it, but it wasn't my fault. Quetzalcoatl set this whole wheel a spinnin' ages ago and it aint gonna stop until the year 2012. I wrote a movie about it, but James Cameron stole the script and changed the title to 'Avatar'.

Me: What wisdom has come with age?

Billy William: I didn't get any wiser, in fact I've regressed. I used to think thoughts like 'tire fire childrens' toys', and now I can only think about buckles and not even in an abstract way. That's not to say I don't appreciate the simple joys in life. I've got a buckle for every season, I eat at Burger King on Tuesdays and Sundays, and I ghost-write successful movie scripts.

Me: What about your music?

Billy William: I thought that's what we were referring to with all this 'buckle' talk.

Me: And the Hanukkah album?

At this point two chains drop down from the rafters and Billy's assistants fasten them to his chair. He is lifted up and is left suspended twenty feet above me where I can hear him whistling 'Disturbia' by Rihanna. I took this as my cue to leave.

........................................


Though I didn't take away a lot from our interview I learned a valuable lesson about brilliant enigmas. Don't try to understand them or you just may slip past the surly bounds of Earth, and wind up touching the face of God.

good morning summer lmao

By ashlee 

good morning guys skool is out which means one thing.... i get to stay home alone all day while mom is at work. daddy h8s that she works but idc cos it means i get to eat all of the ice pops in the fridge 0:-)
omg sooooo good

neway im soooo bored . i already watched every bieber and edward vid on utube. computers are borin i wish my keyboard looked like this:


i got a bike
ok gr8 news. i finally got a bike. here's a pic of me riding it
LOL just kidding r u stupid that is a puppy sitting on something idk what it is .kinda looks like a car kinda looks like a bike. neway i don't rele have a pic of me on my bike cos my friend tara broke my cam after i said she had love handles . lol what? she's kinda chubby i wasnt goin 2 lie 2 her. that's what daddy says the president is good at.
soooo neway now i can ride to the pool and to my friends houses. yesterday i went to beccas and we spent like idk 2 hrs reading her mommys magazines. i liked it cos it told me which color lipstick i should buy for my skin tone and wat positions boys like during s-x. the only s-x position i know is oral LOL

cool vid
ok is this a dream. miley + taylor = pure heaven. this is prolly my favorite song and they are sooooooo beautiful


ok i g2g those ice pops arent gonna eat themselves lol

One Year In Texas Talk 6-09-10

By Nate 



One Year In Texas Talk is an answering machine we have set up to our OYIT hotline. Please call in and leave an anonymous message. If we deem it worthy, it will show up in this weekly piece. Tell us what's on your mind. It doesn't even have to pertain to the website!

So it's been a few weeks since I posted which means our machine is full. My sincerest apologies for anyone trying to call-in over the last week to talk about the Gore's breaking up, Rush Limbaugh's wedding, Blanch Lincoln's contrived southern accent, or Helen Thomas' remarks on Israel. If you call back this week, I promise to post old topics next week!

In the meantime, the whale post from last month has set off a raging debate!

Thinking Outside-of-the-Box

Thank God OYIT is providing a forum for outside-of-the-box thinking! That whale idea is stupendous, and I want to add to it. You know that oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico that's killing all the wildlife in the ocean? Well let's save those whales and pelicans and take them to the Great Lakes. The best part of this is that we can do it on BP's dime! This is totally in the realm of "legitimate claims" that that limy CEO is talking about. Plus, a revitalization of Michigan's car industry economy will only help BP in the long run.

Are You Serious?

This site was developing a pretty solid reputation and then you go and post shit by anonymous callers who want to put whales in the fucking Great Lakes and kill all the Muslims! Are you serious? You're just having a laugh at the dopes' expense. It's not funny. It's sad. You people are sick. I mean, salting the Great Lakes? Hello? That would do more damage than this damn oil spill ever could to the Gulf! Sit down and take this history lesson I am about to shove down your throats: after the Romans defeated Carthage in the Third Punic War they FUCKING SALTED THE FIELDS OF NORTHERN AFRICA SO NOTHING WOULD GROW!!! Salt the waters of the Great Lakes and you won't have to worry about Michigan's next governor being Canadian: he will be Momar Qadhafi!

Legalize it!

Yeah, did y'all see that clip on the internet about the SWAT team in Missouri that invaded that house and shot them dogs? Well that was pretty stupid I think. If y’all legalize marijuana, you wouldn’t have to call a SWAT team out to eradicate it and shoot innocent dogs and terrorize innocent people. Thank you. Legalize marijuana.

Context for our readers:


Another History Lesson

I think we ought to learn our lesson back in the Revolutionary War, when we fought those stinkin’, dirty British. Maybe we wouldn’t have British Petroleum spreading the biggest oil slick in the world. And we Americans should get it through our head that that’s the reason all the Muslims hate Americans — because those stinkin’ Brits over there steal everything they can get their hands on. And if there is a tea party, I damn sure don’t belong to it.

A "Colorblind" Racist?

I’m Irish. My relatives came here from Ireland in the 1800s. The only natives here are the Indians. Everybody else has an immigrant family, but we’re legal. That’s the complaint here. It’s not that they’re Mexican or Iranian or Japanese or any other race. It’s people coming here illegally. Why does that have to be spelled out like people are second-graders? These people should go through the right channels and get their papers.

Mother of All Conspiracies

Hello, Texas Talk? Yeah, I was thinking the other day when I was at the capitol building with my local group of Tea Partiers from Charleston, South Carolina, uh, you might remember the city where the first shot of the Civil War was fired at Fort Sumpter? Yeah, we'll do it again. Anyway, we was there protesting the government take over of our Medicare and Veterans' Hospitals and our Kenyan-born president when it hit me like a buckin' burrow: BP put Obama into office so they could blow up their oil rig and get away with it. Think about it. Kenya was under British control when Obama was born there. BP used to be called British Petroleum. The Brits kidnapped this Obama kid, took him to Hawaii and printed those birth announcements. They made sure he went to them Ivy League schools. How else could a poor, black kid get into those schools? Obama is the Welsh Candidate, if you've heard of that commie movie. I prefer Frank Sinatra to Denzel Washington myself, but the remake with that character as a black only makes more sense now. Don't you see? Orly Taitz is only scratching the surface. We shouldn't be worried about a Chinese flag waving over the USA. We need to worry about the Union Jack!


This photo arrived in our mailbag about the same time we received his call. He must have sent it in.

Facebook Testimonies

By Jake 

Facebook is a social networking site that allows users to connect with and friend people they didn't talk to in high school. Nearly everybody is on Facebook, but what of the few people who swear by MySpace or Friendster or just haven't signed up yet? Perhaps they don't realize what they're missing. I'm assuming everybody who doesn't have a Facebook account reads One Year in Texas-- afterall we do average 80 readers a day. I have provided these non-users with some positive testimonies about Facebook that will hopefully put their minds at ease and encourage them to sign up. Perhaps you will find them entertaining even if you do have a Facebook account.



"I used to have trouble remembering my wife's birthday. Every year it was the same. I'd wake up and she'd be staring expectedly at me, waiting for a thoughtful gift. I'd tell her that I wasn't going to give it to her until after the romantic dinner I had planned for her and head to work. Then I'd forget it was her birthday again. We'd end up eating at Denny's. As she wept into her Moons over My Hammy, I would hand her my gift-- an electronic pencil sharpener. It was the only thing I could find. What made it a terrible gift was that she only used pens-- I should have gotten her pens. Now, thanks to Facebook, I get a reminder a few days before her birthday. This year I took her on a cruise and gave her a trophy for being a loving wife and our marriage has never been better! Facebook, you are the greatest!"
-Thomas Seymour, 46, Summerville, TN

"Growing up in the city, I never really understood how farming worked. I'd see produce at the market and scoff. I'd say things like 'this came from the dirt, big deal' and 'who gives a shit about farmers.' I was a real asshole. Then my Mom made fun of me for not having a Facebook account, so I signed up. Now I sit at my desk for an hour every day playing the Farmville application. It helped me get in touch with middle America and the struggle of the farmer. I am currently donating 10% of my wages to Farm Aid. Thanks to Facebook and its applications I understand the plight of the American farmer."
-Bertram Woodbar, 31, Indigo, CT

"I have never been able to get very close to people. I'm just really shy and would get embarrassed whenever I start to talk to anybody. I felt like nobody ever wants to hear what I have to say. I joined Facebook out of curiousity. It seemed like everybody was doing it and how could everybody be wrong? Within a week I had 40 friends! I couldn't believe my eyes and I have excellent vision. My self esteem started to rise like a Chinese sun. Soon I was going outside and chatting up my overweight neighbor. I blushed a little, but not too much. Facebook gave me the confidence to connect with the outside world. People are usually so down on the internet because they think it keeps you inside, but I'm the proof that it gets you outside more often."
-Sarah Farkle, 26, Earl Grey, MO

"People were warning me when I signed up for Facebook that it was highly addictive. I used to be hooked on Lady H-- that's heroin for you not in the know-- and it destroyed my life. My wife left me and took our infant daughter with her. Now my daughter is seven and I haven't seen her in years. I can keep up with her through the photos on my ex-wife's Facebook page. I can also get really jealous over the guys she dates. Guess what, I super poke the living shit out of them and that's like punching somebody in the real world. Without Facebook I wouldn't know anything about my beautiful little girl and I would be in jail for throwing molotov cocktails through my ex-wife's boyfriends' windows. Facebook is keeping me out of jail and stopping me from chasing the dragon."
-Sully Franklin, 38, Largo, IN

Good Morning America





By Bub 




Good morning y'all! That is an approximation of what right-leaning Democrat Blanche Lincoln would say if you ran into her right now. She is happy because she won her primary run-off and will now not have to face the sting of electoral defeat until November.







G'Day Mate! Is really how you are greeted in Australia, and it is exactly as charming as you think it would be. You wont be hearing that from Adriana Xenides today, Australia's Vanna White analog on the Aussie Wheel of Fortune, who died due to a mysterious stomach ailment.



She had apparently been suffering from depression for sometime and had recently been spotted painted up in Courtney Love clown make-up babbling incoherently to dogs tied up at newsstands. Considering the fate of Adriana and the loathsome existence of right wing lunatic Pat Sajak to the mind-crippling inanity of the show itself that forces seniors around the globe into premature Alzheimer's, it is safe to say that everything about Wheel of Fortune is poison. And not in the hip/sexy Bell Biv Devoe sense either.






Today's Current Events Themed Sexual Inneundo:

A Macondo Blowout

The Guatemalan Sinkhole

The Turkish Flotilla

and:

A Polish Plane Crash





Today's Observational Humor:

On a recent visit to my family's home in rural western Illinois I noticed a disturbing trend. One night I was sitting on the porch and noticed a man riding his lawnmower down the street. It was nothing too conspicuous as an isolated event.

The next night I noticed two more lawnmower men driving down the street. Always in the same direction. It finally occurred to me that these men were not out for some late night lawn maintenance, they were headed up town to the bars. They were skirting the law after having their licenses revoked for drunk driving in order to get drunk and drive home without a license.

This supposed legal loophole sounds suspicious at best, but in rural western Illinois the police basically enforce whichever laws they feel deserve to be, whether they exist or not. So now, dangerous drunk drivers can no longer drive their trucks down the 20 mile per hour streets of Kentuckytown, but they can drive drunk on vehicles with deadly rotating blades down the middle of the road at midnight.




Today's Philosophical Quandary:



The prison system did not gain popularity until the beginning of the human rights movement at the end of the 18th century. Before then corporal punishment was the norm. But along with the human rights movement came the idea of the sanctity of the human body as representative of the individual human. So punishment moved from physical to mental. It is considered and is indeed inhumane to employ physical punishment for violations of state crimes. But would you, you rather receive 50 lashes or spend a year in jail?





Today's Cute Thing My Daughter Did:

She drew me a picture yesterday of a heart and wrote 'I Love Dad' on it. She showed it to me and I fawned over it and thanked her. Then she went to the refrigerator and grabbed me a Diet Dr. Pepper (even though I was already drinking one) and I said to her 'Oh, you're the sweetest girl in the world!' and hugged her, and then she looked at me kind of sideways and then asked quietly 'Do you want me to say you're the most wonderful dad in the world?' I did, but I knew this was all clever manipulation to get me to get her the candy that I already told her she couldn't have.

Debate: Should you be Permitted to get any Style of Haircut you Want?

By Glenn & Jake 

Everybody is looking for a new way to style their hair. Whether you're a metrosexual with a fistful of styling gel or a homeless person spreading rotten banana on a comb with only six teeth, how you style your hair is an important daily decision. When you think of a celebrity like-- and I'll choose one at random-- Donald Trump, the number one topic of discussion is always hair style and the only way to draw attention away from it is to bare your genitals when emerging from an automobile. In lieu of having to resort to that, we will now debate whether people should have the total freedom to wear any hairstyle they want.

Glenn: Choosing how you style your hair is one of the most important decisions an adult person can make. There are many people I know from high school or earlier who found a hairstyle they liked and then repeat that hairstyle every month for the rest of their lives. This is akin to Sarah Palin "choosing life" with her downs syndrome child. I am glad she has the right to do it, but it is not right for me. Personally I like to switch up my hairstyle, trying to pick up pieces of whatever is hip at the time and whatever was hip when I was born in 1982. If I didn't have this freedom, I don't know what I would do! I've had my hair as long as Cousin It during the 60s and as short as Powder during the 90s. Don't take this away from me and everyone I love.

Jake: I'm a huge proponent of individuality, one has to go no further than the bio on my Facebook page to check that fact. It literally says, "I'm a huge proponent of individuality." So how can I be against choosing your own hairstyle? It's so simple that I might as well not even say it, but that would put a quick end to this debate and the internet needs some content that isn't women getting pissed on. Every morning, millions of Americans stand in front of a mirror (a reflective surface), comb in hand and a spaced-out, slack-jawed expression plastered on their faces. We're wasting thousands of hours styling our hair every year, and it's time to put an end to it! We need to take our lives back from this vain attempt at improving our looks via hair. I regularly call congressman Pete Visclosky and demand that he propose a bill that will force everybody to have one hair style and stick to it for the rest of their lives. Let's get rid of this decision and focus on something important, like creating relatable mascots for big corporations.

Glenn: You raise some interesting points, but I find your hair-brained scheme to fail the smell test. In fact, it smells worse than burning hair! Who would decide what hairstyle people have? Health and Human Services? A Congressional committee? Your parents? You say you are in favor of individuality, but how can people express themselves if not with their hair? Without his classic mohawk, Mr. T would be dead by now instead of selling insurance or video games on TV while his legacy is tarnished with an A Team remake. Additionally, the popular "artist" Lady Gaga has made millions of dollars by switching her hairstyle. In your word, she would still be a brunette. When I grew my hair out at 19, I know it looked ridiculous. It was a rite of passage that no one wanted to witness, but ultimately made me a better person. Don't take that away from the millions of 19-year-old boys across this great land who want to see how ugly they can look with shoulder length, unkempt hair.

Jake: If you spent more time worrying about cleaning your dorm room and less time brushing your hair you wouldn't have caught the bubonic plague. I'm trying to convince everybody that not spending so much time on coming up with a different hair style every single day of your life-- which is going down the drain, much like your hair due to male pattern baldness-- would actually benefit your individuality, not diminish it. If Lady Gaga used the time she spends putting glitter into her hair to write songs she would be a respected artist instead of a gimmicky hack. I think of her as the Carrot Top of disco inspired pop music. If Mr. T shaved his mohawk, he would have a shot at getting a role in a film or television program. Their hair is holding them back, not pushing them forward. We're all drowning in a sea of garbage and unique haircuts are clearly to blame.

Glenn: Thank you for insulting those celebrities. That is why I mentioned them in the first place. However, by insulting them, you inadvertently reveal the strength of my argument: they, at this point, can choose to alter their hairstyle. Under your totalitarian society they would not, or would at least have to make some sort of official governmental request to do so. I don't want a panel of bureaucrats deciding my hairstyle any more than I want them giving me a driver's license or distributing EBT cards to those in need. I've seen Uncle Sam's hairstyle and it sucks; let's keep him out of my hairstyle decisions too. Also, what about all the hair salons and stylists who would be put out of business (or possibly killed) if this freedom is removed? I know they wouldn't all go out of business because there would indeed be a demand to MAINTAIN whatever hairstyle citizens were born with, but it would certainly discourage many of those stylists who make a living taking chances with people's hair. You know the type I'm talking about.

Jake: If you get your hair style the style the government chooses for you, then it's free. Getting a hair style change could be similar to a name change. It's the red tape that would keep most people from even considering it. If it was easy and free to change my name, I would be Franklin McGuire instead of Jake Merch. I would love to sound more regal, but the process is keeping me attached to this serf name. I don't see people rushing out to change their names and they should not be heading out to a barber to get an eccentric haircut. Buddhist monks all shave their head, and they're the healthiest people on this planet-- maybe every planet.

Good Morning Bill Halter (and Primary Day)

By Glenn 



Good morning. I was tempted to make this post all about New York and all about me: driving around Brooklyn trying to find parking, what I yelled out the car window to Ground Zero and which schizophrenic homeless man who took my innocence. However, I think we need to avoid the tendency to self-indulgence and talk about the bigger things happening in the world around us. Most important for today is the primary election run-off in Arkansas between Lieutenant Governor Bill Halter and US Senator Blanche Lincoln. My younger brother Taylor is working on the campaign for Bill Halter and I feel similarly towards Blanche Lincoln as I do Virginia Tech shooter Cho Seung-Hui. Therefore I am hoping to see an upset and another incumbent US Senator defeated. Maybe afterward she can release a video saying "why she did it" with the "it" being a far-right voting record and at least an initial opposition to everything in the Democratic agenda.

[Last primary day went VERY WELL so let's hope this one has similarly positive results.]


Today's Weather
Today in South Dakota, also holding elections today, it will be a high of 69 degrees with a chance of thunderstorms. Will those storms keep farmers from voting? Time will tell. In Nevada, where lunatic teabaggers are running against each other for the chance to take on Mormon Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, the high will be 105 degrees (and sunny). Will this unbearable heat give pause to those who already think the government is manipulating the weather to pass energy legislation? Time will tell. Finally in Hot Springs, Arkansas there will be a high of 91 degrees and a 30% chance of isolated t-storms. Will those isolated t-storms, initiated and controlled by Blanche Lincoln's Senate Agriculture, Nutrition and Forestry Committee, dampen turnout in this high-performing Halter area? TIME WILL TELL. The point here is that the weather can ruin our lives in more ways than we normally think.


The Biggest State Having a Primary Today

I miss California. Besides my sister and nephew, there was also a homeless, schizophrenic quality to the politics there. Jerry Brown is the oldest person to ever run for Governor and today he will certainly win the Democratic nomination. On the Republican side, Meg Whitman, former CEO of Ebay and Vector Knives, will almost certainly win the Republican nomination. She is not as old as Jerry Brown, but allegedly has never voted before very recently, possibly ever. She spent $70 million dollars of her own money to win today and will have to spend at least 5 times that to beat Jerry Brown in November. California will also have several propositions on the ballot. Their initiative process has made the state ungovernable but you have to appreciate a system where anyone with a lot of money can trick voters into approving something that will only hurt themselves.


Today's Prediction/Hopes
I predict and hope and pray to the gods that Bill Halter will win the primary in Arkansas. In California I hope the public finance initiative passes and it will. I also hope the one funded by the power company DOESN'T pass but I know it will. In Iowa I hope former governor running to be new governor Terry Brandstad loses his primary to right wing lunatic Bob Vander Plaats, whose platform includes opposition to same sex marriage, wind energy and two of Newton's three laws. The last time we had a series of state primaries across the nation, the more progressive Democrats won and so did strict constructionalist Rand Paul. Let's hope history repeats itself today.

Life With Mikey [6-07-10]

By Mikey 

The MTV Movie Awards were last night and my son begged me to let him watch it. I said he could, but I was going to watch it with him. He was rooting for the vampires and I was for the werewolves.



I wish I was better at origami.

I need to pick up the DVDs for Seaquest DSV.

My brand of root beer is Dog and Suds, but I'll occasionally have some A&W. Never Barqs.

I hate surrealist paintings. I don't care about a melting clock or a person made out of water.

Why does Justin Timberlake get to star in movies?

I bought Dick Tracy on DVD instead of going to see Letters to Juliet. I think I made the right decision.

If I was a woman I'd do some yoga.

Lou Ferrigno was deaf, so how could the director tell him what to do on the set of The Incredible Hulk?

I try to get all of my news from Jesse Ventura.

My cell phone ringtone is "Whoomp There it Is" by Tag Team. That's from when hip hop had heart and you could dance to it.

George Clooney was a really good Batman. I don't know why so many people talk negatively about him.

The best time to go fishing is when it's raining. The rain makes those guys really hungry for worms and chicken gizzards.

Koala bears are cute, but I hear they're the deadliest animal. Is that true?

Good Morning, I'm Back

By Beth 

I’m back, lovers and fiends, so GOOD MORNING! You may wonder where I’ve been, but a magician never reveals his secrets and nor will I. Let’s just be thankful for our time together now and move on with our morning of respective OCD routines.



Happy Birthday Prince! I never really gave a shit about you, but today seemed like a good day to start. I tried, I really did via ten minutes on youtube, but your considerable age (52, who knew?) and lack of relevant music for the last decade has made me realize I am simply not willing to risk an illegal download for you. And what’s love without the thrill of a little torrent action? I will forever appreciate your freaky funk and androgynous sexuality prior to 1995, but this aural affair ends there.


Today’s Prophylactic



Jimmie Hatz: The Official Condom of the Hip Hop Kulture.

Even badass ballers need to put on a glove before they make love, and I guess regular old rubbers just ain’t cool enough. The black latex “Great Dane” will give you the confidence no Trojan ever could. It’s rough out there on the streets these days, and grandpa’s rubbers never turned anyone on, so stock up on these bad boys at the Peoria County Health Department or from progressive pimps nationwide. Hollaaaa!


Today's Internet Creativity

By now all you indie hipster wipes have become acquainted with the adorable collection of creativity on Etsy.com. I much prefer her ugly step-sister Regretsy.com, which compiles the best of the worst of people’s pathetic attempts to glue things together in the name of Art and sell them for amazingly bold prices.

A few of my favorites:

Dead baby unicorn


Roadkill cum Frankenstein


Macramé exposed



Let’s all take a moment to rock out to one of my healthier obsessions.




Today’s Hindsight

We all depend on OYIT for outrageous predictions to base our daily decisions on, but I prefer the safety and accuracy of hindsight. Let’s take a look at this week in my life 2004: Like any college student worth her tuition and textbooks, I rolled into summer neck deep in a hole of sex, drugs and rock n roll. I chose to party all night and spend my days at home fornicating with a new boyfriend instead of showing up for my shiny new internship at the Red Cross. I managed to stumble into the office (late) twice in two and a half weeks before my strangely sympathetic boss went on vacation and her scaly assistant fired me. Well deserved, so I shrugged off my shame, lied to my advisor and my parents, and continued down my deviant path. Many moons have passed, and I now have to deal with those dedicated Red Cross employees through my professional setting. To add to the general awkwardness that is my life, I must have told some horrible, detailed lie as one of my excuses, because from time to time they delicately inquire about my “condition.” Lessons to be learned: internships matter and love doesn’t last. Please give blood today to atone for my sins.

Hi Katy [Volume II, Issue XIII] G-ma Edition

By Katy

Hi Katy,
I have never seen a good movie in my life. I grew up on a commune and we didn't have a TV. Then when I went to college I saw a few movies that my roommate had, but they were terrible! Since then I strayed away from motion pictures, but people seem to like them quite a big. I feel you seem to watch a few movies over the course of a year, so maybe you could give me a recommendation or two (but let's not go crazy, I don't want to overload myself).
-Film Flam

Hi Flam,

Flam. I don't just watch a few movies a year. I watch a shit-ton of movies a year (please see urbandictionary.com for the shit-ton conversion table). Now, you may have noticed on my Friday previewz that I seem to adhor and detest every piece of trash that trickles out of Hollywood, but I mostly hate every piece of trash that has trickled out of Hollywood in the last few years (with some minor exceptions).

I'm going to give you two recommendations of movies I don't love, but just kinda like. They're movies I think everyone should see, but I don't exactly rate them in my top ten. You can't handle my top ten.

Jawbreaker (Rated R for raunchy).

Jawbreaker is a film from 1999 starring Rose McGowan, Julie Benz, Rebecca Gayheart and also starring Carol Kane and Judy Greer with a special cameo from McGowan's then lover, Marilyn Manson. A creepy, creepy cameo. And I mean creepy for Manson. I don't normally find Manson creepy, but in this movie he's some greased-up, lonely guy at a bar and you have to watch him plow McGowan with this creepy-ass grin on his face.

Anyway, the movie starts off with Shayne (McGowan), Marcie (Benz), and Julie (Gayheart), three of the four most popular girls at school, kidnapping their friend Liz (THE most popular girl at school) to take her out for her birthday. Shayne shoves a jawbreaker in her mouth and OOPS! She dies in the trunk of the car before pancakes. Instead of responsibly telling an adult they just murdered their BFF, Shayne bullies the other girls into covering it up. They put Liz back in bed, set up a rape scene, and deal with the police and their guilt (or Shayne and Marcie's nonchalance) for the next few weeks. Julie can't stand what they've done and she confides in the hot drama kid. With Julie kicked out of the group for having a soul, there's a spot open for the super lame, super invisible, super nerdy Fern (Greer), a girl who stumble upon this murder set up, to take her place. It's fuckin' nuts.

Legend (Rated PG for adiences of fantastical ages).

This may seem like a cop-out, but the synopsis on the back of my VHS tape for this movie is so perfect, I feel like writing my own would darken its perfect memory. Here ya go:

Tom Cruise stars in this visually stunning fantasy adventure in which pure good and evil battle to the death amidst spectaculat surroundings. Set in a timeless mythical forest inhabited by fairie, goblins, unicorns and mortals, the fantastic story has Tom Cruise, a carefree forest dweller, chosen by fate to undertake a heroic quest. He must save a beautiful princess, Mia Sara, and defeat the demonic Lord of Darkness, Tim Curry(!!), or the world will be plunged into a never-ending ice age...

That synopsis does fail to mention that Tim Curry is awesome and even though he plays the son of the devil and even though he's like a thousand years old now, I would totally do him.

Hi Katy,
I'm not scientist, but I could have b een if my perants would have told me I could be anything besides a janitor at a women's prison. Should I go back to school and get a degree in science?
-Samuel Science

Hi Science,

My parents never told me I could be a janitor at a women's prison. That sounds like a pretty sweet deal. Wait. Shh. What's that? Hear it?

Samuel Science...
Samuel Science
Sam...uel...

Yep. That sounds like job security calling your name.

Women have been breaking the year for a long time. Probably longer then men. Remember when God made a law not to eat anything from the Tree of Good or Evil (Remember when God had like, the lamest imagination for naming things ever)? And what happened? Fuckin' Eve broke that fucking law, didn't she? Ever since then women have had an inherient need to do what is wrong, and that will never change. Science? Science changes ever day, man. Growing up I was pretty sure Pluto was our ninth planet. What is science telling me now? I don't know because I'm from Illinois and the state in its entirity has chosen to ignore science and continue believing that Pluto is the ninth planet, but I think you get my drift here. Everyone and their baby daddy wants to be a scientist. But you, Sammy. YOU are doing what is needed and what is important, and that's keeping blood and piss off the cell block floor. You're a true hero. I wouldn't change a single thing about that.

Hi Katy,
I just watched the movie Throw Momma From the Train and I have a few questions. First, do you think the pairing of Danny DeVito and Billy Crystal was good? I thought DeVito with Arnold was way funnier. They were "Twins" but they didn't look anything alike, which I found pretty funny. Second, the titular momma was gross and everything, but did they really need to kill her? Maybe they could have just drugged her. I even thought of a good title, "Momma Drug a Rolling Stone." Maybe it's not great, but I think it's pretty decent. What do you think, Katy?
-Throw Mommma from a Brianne

Hi Brianne,

If you want to know what I think of that alternative title, I fucking hate it.

As for DeVito and Crystal... I haven't seen this movie, and from the sound of it I don't want to. The only movie I really appreciated Crystal in was his cameo in The Princess Bride with Carol Kane (yeah, you read that right. When Harry Met Sally? More like When Harry Met Who Fucking Cares. Now That's an alternative title. It actually saves people from watching the damn movie). And that's because I really like Carol Kane and weird miracle workers. Second, I fucking hated the movie Twins, or at least the four minutes I saw of it. Third, I really don't like Danny DeVito at all. He's been annoying me on the big screen for, literally, ages. However, we did make our amends when he joined the cast of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and actually managed to be hilarious. Did you have other questions? I think that about covers everything. Maybe you should just watch Jawbreaker next time.

Hi Katy,
I was reading One Year In Texas (this website) a few days ago and I read the article about pink lemonade vs. regular lemonade. It wasn't really funny but I laughed because I didn't know who was watching me. I thought "I'd rather know what Katy thinks about lemonade" so I decided to write this letter to you. Don't make either of us regret it. Just tell me what kind of lemonade you fucking like.
-Demanding Dominic

Hi Dominic,

Ya know what, Demandy-McGee? Try this on for size:

I don't fucking like lemonade.

It's sour and does little to nothing to soothe the parched throat. It's like a beverage created for people who hate themselves and want their body to know it. Pink? That't just a marketing ploy to coax thirteen-year-old girls into thinking they want it. What's it made from? Pink lemons?

(Note: if that bad joke was on the debate, I apologize for replicating it. I haven't read this debate yet because I'm still without the Internet and even now am only writing this article by forcing my grandmother to transcribe my words as I talk to her over the phone. Just fucking type it grandma. Not that, grandma. Don't type that either, what's wrong with you? KNOCK IT THE FUCK OFF, GRANDMA. Because I can hear you typing it. I don't really care if your hands hurt, I'M ALMOST DONE).

Uhhhhhh.... right. Lemonade. Lemonade is stupid. Are you fucking happy, grandma? I'm done now. Now you can continue being old and useless.

One Week In-tertainment (6-06-10)

By Jake 

Celine Dion is having fucking twins! YES!!

Tony Jaa (Ong Bak) has quit the film industry temporarily to become a Buddhist Monk. Why hasn't Cameron Diaz done this?

ABC wants J.J. Abrams to reboot Alias.

Speaking of reboots, Community's Donald Glover has started an online campaign to get an audition for the Spider-Man reboot. Glover starring would literally be the only way I would ever see it this side of a Clockwork Orange style forcing.

Chris Jericho will be the host of ABC's new game show "Downfall."

Miley Cyrus does not "get" Glee. Miley Cyrus is great because she has an opinion on everything just like Mikey. Life with Miley.

James Cameron has met with Washington officials over putting an end to this oil spill.

RIP
Rue McClanahan