Overheard at the Mall

By Jake

I spent much of last night with my ears wide open at the local mall. While sitting with my notebook firmly in hand, I encountered some seriously odd snippets of conversation.


  • "Where is the kiosk for sunglasses?"

  • "This bitch gets all in my face waving her Lisa Frank folder like her shit don't stink..." (said by a 12 year old girl)

  • "Where the fuck can I find fishing lures up in this motherfucker?" (said by a solitary man out of anger and confusion)

  • "I have a bet with my friend: are you Gerald McRaney?"

  • "3 churros later..."

  • "You're out of Alfredo pizza? What is this: Nazi Germany!?!?"

  • "If I eat one more Maidrite sandwich I'm going to vomit blood."

  • "The only band anyone ever talks about anymore is Depeche Mode."

    • One Week Entertainment [3-7-09]

    By Kaleena

    There she goes again. Another week, more entertainment - one thing we can always count on in times of economic or natural crisis. Onward soldiers!


    • Sarah Silverman will return for another season thanks to MTV's sister service 'Logo,' which is aimed at the gay, lesbian and transgender community. Thank you all!

    • People.com asks 'Could Chris Brown end up in jail?' God I hope so and Rihanna can go right along with him if she so desires.

    • Only two more years before the final 'Harry Potter' movie. Just in time I'd say. Daniel Radcliff should just be entering his drug-experimental phase by that point.

    • Apparently Michelle Obama's toned arms are all the rage. Leave it to the Obama's to inspire in all aspects. I start adding 50 squat-thrusts to my workout tomorrow (that's a lie).

    • Siegfried and Roy have supposedly performed for their last time. The final performance included the 600 lb. tiger that mauled Roy a few years back. He says the tiger was 'just trying to help' after noticing he'd had a stroke onstage. How thoughtful of that flesh-eating, instinctual animal.

    • What makes Hillary Duff scream? Hockey. I know, I was hoping for something a bit dirty myself.

    • Ed McMahon was hospitalized with pneumonia. Hold on Ed!!

    • Rachel Ray defends her Dunkin' Donuts promos and racy FHM photos. I used to think she was obnoxious - now I find her endearing and badass.

    • Britney (Spears) is going back on tour! Good luck doll-face!

    • The jury is being picked for the once-upon-a-time winner of 'Dancing With the Stars' winner Helio Castroneves. He is accused of tax evasion. What the hell? You know these bastards have the money, unless they've spent it all on coke or crack or something else equally predictable. It's cheaper to just pay them in the end and avoid the emotionally-crushing jail rape.

    • This is kind of back-tracking, but Rihanna's relatives are pretty unhappy about her reuniting with Chris Brown. My guess: she really loves Tina Turner.

    • Miley Cyrus already has an autobiography coming out. Start taking Xanax now, Billy Ray.

    • Brad Pitt is to meet with Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi regarding his and Angelina Jolie's New Orlean's housing project 'Make it Right.' Next up - sainthood.

    • Belinda Carlisle is on 'Dancing with the Stars' and she's still gorgeous!

    • The Jonas Brothers and Kelly Rowland visited ailing children in hospitals (separately). Next up - sainthood.

    • Barbara Bush is recovering from open-heart surgery at the ripe-old age of 130.

    • Michael Jackson is suing to stop the sale of his personal items. Know what? F YOU MJ! Should have thought about the future when you screwed the Beatles out of their songs you dick!

    • Young actor Robert Knox, who plays Marcus Belby for the next 'Harry Potter' movie, was fatally stabbed by some 22 year old wacko outside of a British bar. I hope the bastard fries or hangs or whatever they do to murderers in Britain.

    • Rapper and bad-ass Eminem supposedly has two albums set for release this year. We'll see Marshall, we'll see.

    • Robin Williams is to undergo heart surgery. Moral of this story - don't do coke EVER!

    • Finally - Chris Brown is charged with assault and making criminal threats against Rihanna.

      What a week - phew! I'm tuckered out from all this great and amazing news. I hope you all had and have an excellent week yourselves and I'll "see" you next time in the next episode. Thanks for reading (if you did, in fact).



    Spencer's Product Review: Jumbo Afro Wig

    By Gary



    The Hilarious Jumbo Afro Wig

    One of Spencer's Gift top sellers in the "Humor and Fun" section of the website

    http://www.spencersonline.com/product/Jumbo-Afro-Wig/


    Website Product information

    Right on, Right on! Strut your funky stuff in this Jumbo Afro wig! Goes great with any gag costume. Available in black or brown.

    This product is so dead-on funny that it will make people say, "Right on!" not once but twice. No longer be shy when attempting to strut your funky stuff.

    Pros
    • It's comes in a wonderful array of colors (brown and black).

    • Its Jumbo.

    • It goes with any gag costume. It's a gag accessory to any gag outfit.
    Cons
    • Perhaps, not jumbo enough?

    • Hard to make a choice with so many colors.

    • Guy in the picture is really goofy... Wig does not do all the work for you.

    • You have to buy a separate Afro wig for your non-gag costume.
    All in all this is a fine product for a fine price: $14.95 (plus shipping). Jumbo is a very subjective word, and while I find the size of the afro to be at least adequate, some may find it to be not as jumbo as the product model's face leads one to believe.

    3 out of 5 Right-ons


    Haikus

    By Jake

    A once unpopular feature here at OYIT was week in review haikus. This feature was so unpopular that my inbox was literally filled to the brim with hate emails urging me to stop. Well, I buckled faster than Carl Lewis in a seatbelt race. Yet, to make myself seem like I don't care what people say, even though I obviously do, I'm going to write some haikus anyway.


    Jay Leno enters
    His monologue always kills
    Kevin Eubanks laughs

    Every young girl loves
    Jonathan Taylor Thomas
    He IS Tiger Beat

    I need to say this:
    Rest in peace Pat Morita
    You will be missed, sir

    Mike Tyson bites ears
    Sometimes a fan man enters
    Controversial bouts

    The Robinsons and
    Dr. Smith, the stowaway
    Are all Lost in Space

    Milk milk lemonade
    Let's go around the corner
    That's where they make fudge

    The Ninja Turtles
    Live with their master, Splinter
    Casey Jones hangs out

    Let's play some Guess Who?
    My guess is that it's Michael
    Oh damn, it's Bernard

    Grandmama is
    The basketball player known
    As Larry Johnson

    If you have some subjects you'd like me to write a haiku on, please leave a comment. I can write them about anything, but have a hard time coming up with subjects on my own.


    Good Morning From OYIT [Katy's First GM Edition]

    By Katy

    Good morning campers! I'm so afraid; living up to those who came before me is going to be difficult, verily impossible to do, but I'm ready for your criticisms and hate mail. But my inability to deliver comic gold like Glenn, Jake, and Bub isn't what's important here. What's important is that it's Friday, March 6, 2009, and I am finally going to see Murder By Death tonight. Oh yes, it's been a long time comin' friends, but I have the tickets, I am over 19, I know exactly where the venue is, I have the night off work, and I'm not planning to attend with any ex-boyfriends. NOTHING will stop me from rocking my socks off. Let's not talk about me though, let's talk about today.


    Today's Weather


    I realize it was a gutsy decision for my first weather map to be mildly nonsensical, but look how wonderful this map is! There's no need for spiked lines or green blobs or 15-shade color scales. In a few simple icons, you've got your temperature, sky conditions, wind direction AND mile per hour measurement. The US has nothing on UK weather maps. Plus, this little ditty offered the opportunity to make a joke about the black cloud over Northern Ireland, but I didn't think of one, and enough Catholics are nailing puppies to my door as it is.

    Today's Recipe

    Peach Cobbler

    This is not your grandmother's peach cobbler, unless your grandmother hails from the South. Actually, this is Sarah's grandmother's peach cobbler. Sooo...sad. I blew that joke, too. Anyway...Southerns do not care for our crumbly topping and for once I am grateful for that! I had the pleasure of sampling this fine peach concoction just yesterday and couldn't hold back my need to share it with all of you!


    Ingredients
    1 cup flour
    1 cup white, granulated sugar
    1 cup milk
    1 tsp baking powder
    1 stick butter, melted
    1 can peaches, mostly drained (if the peaches aren't drained, the cobbler will be runny)

    I could copy and paste all the instructions on how to deliver such a treat, but I rather linked it above. You should visit Mama Sarah's blog for several of your recipe needs, where you can view several of the delectable goodies this aspiring and talented baker has to offer. (I recommend the mushroom potato mini muffins, especially if Sarah makes them. They're amazing.)

    Today's Random Act of Violence
    I don't know if you've been following this horrible story of the eleven-year-old boy shooting and killing his father's pregnant fiancee--but based solely on that description, shouldn't you? Allegedly, little Jordan Brown had taken his made-for-children 20-gauge shotgun, shot his to-be mommy, left the house with his seven-year-old to-be sister and went off to school.

    Left at home with Kenzie Hauk (Jordan's no longer soon-to-be mommy) was her four-year-old daughter who found some landscapers and reported to them she believed her mother was dead. She was; along with the baby boy she was a month away from delivering.

    I don't want to delve into the details too much here (other than the added bonus that Jordan's father's name is Chris Brown and he gave him the shotgun for a Christmas present) but instead wanted to focus on this. It's not really worth the quick read, but I read it anyway. The writer basically talks about violence and then suggests that maybe we should hit our kids, offers some Bible verses and then says maybe we shouldn't hit our kids. While I agree with their point about the community raising children, I really can't find a thesis in there.

    Today's Pun

    Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

    Well it wasn't great, but there it was. Just know that with a crappy first try there comes room for improvement. I didn't want to blow your mind all in one day. Enjoy your Friday and go to see Watchmen! But don't go see Horsemen; Dennis Quaid doesn't deserve it. Love.

    Boy Meets World -- Too Hot for TV Part 2

    By Gary

    The continuing look at the soon-to be released "uncensored Boy Meets World"


    [SCENE – Feeny’s classroom. Vanessa lies on the desk while Nicolas stands over her]


    Feeny: She’s dead, Mr. Bornihay. Pick up the knife and kill yourself.

    Nicolas: Come on, Mr. Feeny. May I please stab her a few times just to make sure?

    Feeny: (Sits up quickly and gets in Nicolas’s face) Hey! You touch me with that fucking knife, you better kill me the first time. (laughs)

    Nicolas: (Terrified) Mr. Feeny…

    Feeny: All right, all right… (Lays Vanessa back down)

    [Cut to Shawn and Cory, sitting in the back of the class. Shawn, sitting behind Cory, leans forward to speak. Cory has his hand cupped around his right ear]

    Shawn: (Whispering) Cory.

    Cory: (Whispering) Huh?

    Shawn: (Whispering) We got to get that knife, if we have any chance of survival.

    Cory: (Quietly, not quite whispering)What the fuck's the point... (Out of nowhere, Feeny’s hand pulls Cory’s hand away from his ear, breaking several fingers)

    Feeny: (Pulls Cory's hand harder) What’s this, Mr. Matthews?

    Cory: (Begins) Huh? What’d you say, Mr. Feeny? You took my dignity, my life, my family, and now ability to do what I love the most....write.

    Feeny: Mr Matthew's, I am not a completely evil man...allow me to bring you a little joy to meaningless life and give you an update on your beloved Phillies (pulls out headphones and recites play-by-play unemotionally) Smoltz delivers, Dalton swings. Oh, he got a piece of that one. It’s a long drive, deep to center. Otis Nixon back, back to the warning track, climbs up the wall, and… (Turns off radio)

    Cory: (Buries face in hands, sighing) Ohh! You are a fucking monster!

    Feeny: (Wrapping headphone wire around Cory’s neck) Mr. Matthews, Romeo and Juliet is Shakespeare’s ultimate testament of love between a man and a woman.

    Nicolas: (From offscreen) Bitch ain't dead! (Camera cuts to Nicolas, who is pinned to the desk by Vanessa, who’s trying to stab him with the knife) Help! Help!

    Feeny: (Rushes over, manages to take the knife from Vanessa) Ms. Kincaid, thank you! Thank you (leads her off the desk), you have been proven worthy of my respect. (Places knife & radio on his desk, turns to Cory)

    Cory: (Stands) Mr. Feeny, why are you doing this?

    Feeny: (Shakes his head, paces towards Cory) The tragedy here, Mr. Matthews, is not about a dumb girl or the boy who kills himself because of her. It’s about the all-consuming power of love and the inevitability of its influence on each of our lives.

    Cory: (Looks at him with confusion, red-faced) Are you aware that I’m an eleven years old?

    Feeny: Are you aware that the universe is governed by chaos?

    Cory: It doesn't make this life anymore tolerable. (Feeny nods with respect)


    To be continued.....

    God Came to I-80

    By Katy


    Several times a year I find myself commuting between Illinois and Iowa to visit friends and family and to just plain get away. Every trip the drive becomes increasingly more dull and my only joy is that moment when I stop at I-80 and stock up on Lipton peach ice tea in a glass bottle--a rare treasure most gas stations stopped providing. Most recently I was especially excited to stop by this old haunt as I had gone several months without a fix. To my dismay, when I approached those frosty, glass doors in anticipation of loading my arms with peachy goodness, I found that I-80 had left my side to join the ranks of inferior gas stations and convenience stores everywhere. No ice tea for me. I rushed to the bathroom to cry.


    * * * * *

    I-80, known today as the World's Largest Truck Stop, got it's start in 1849 as a trade post erected on the Mormon Trail during the peak of Western expansion. The early post served as a stop for pioneers in need of trading axles for oxen and abandoning their un-baptized children (heathens) in a superstitious attempt for a safer journey. A lot of people made it to Nebraska, grew tired of the hundreds and hundreds of miles of desolate nothingness and started making their way back to the East coast; doubling the popularity of the outpost. Some people even picked their babies back up: those that hadn't already been sold into the increasingly popular "child labor." Some people settled in Iowa and began farming the land and twiddling their thumbs. Others couldn't make up their mind WHERE they wanted to go and their continued travel urged the need for a larger post and an interstate which we now know as I-80. When cars were invented this interstate idea really took off and by 1967 the truck stop was already the most popular stop in the country, neigh... the world.

    * * * * *

    So with my soul torn apart and my heart left broken and aching I finally left the sanctuary I had found in the 50's style bathroom. A quote from Lucille Ball hung above the sink reading, "The secret to staying young is to lie about your age." I was touched and found myself smiling (even with the middle of the quote cut out) as I pictured this angry, drunken, chain-smoking icon of comedy yelling this to herself in a vanity mirror. I exited the lavatory and found myself gazing at a swirly shelf-o-postcards. Recently I had sent my sister and brother-in-law a really dreadful postcard and found myself wishing I had more for future worthlessness. I picked up these six treasures. They're difficult to see from afar so allow for a quick elaboration:


    A) Four popular bridges of the QC; Centennial, Government, Memorial, and I-80.

    B) A Lutheran church built near Moorhead, IA in 1884 and a lovely couple of graves.

    C) A kitten lost in a sea of corn. I'm assuming, if you're
    not from the Midwest, you won't get the joke. Sorry.

    D) This postcard is all about how Iowa roads are constantly under construction. It's not really true, but that doesn't make it any less hilarious.

    E) A beautiful picture of Cedar Rapids, IA, meant to lie to outsiders about its beauty so they'll move there and lose their lives and homes in great floods.

    F) A picture solely of the I-80 bridge sprawling over the Mississippi. This is the thing dreams are made of.

    While I was plenty satisfied with my postcards I decided, without Lipton peach ice tea and a will to live, I wasn't in any hurry to return home. Even in all my years of stopping at I-80 I hadn't really ever perused around this giant garage sale. I turned and glanced momentarily at the bumper stickers next to the postcards and was quickly loosing myself to boredom with the familiar "Welcome To America, Now Speak English" and "Remember 9/11, the Left Has Already Forgot" and "I Love Jesus" varieties.

    (However, I do want to mention that my eyes fell upon a white sticker with words written in red: "I don't dial 9-1-1 I dial .357". Now, I'm a normal person and therefore had no idea what this was meant to say. I thought momentarily it was referring to some deadly, blood alcohol level but that would be silly, right? For a half second I considered this .357 being a gun caliber of some kind but the logical side of my brain kicked in rather rapidly to say "Katy, why would someone immediately grab their firearm for no reason in the midst of an emergency?" When I got to work that evening I asked my work family if this could be explained. My fears where in fact confirmed when said co-workers explained a .357 was, in fact, a gun. I'm now saddened that I didn't purchase that sticker when I had the chance; I need for vehicles in my general vicinity to be fully aware of my violent tendencies.)

    I took off on a trek through the smorgasbord of cheaply made relics and keepsakes. Suddenly I found myself surrounded by crosses of varying shapes, sizes, colors and jeweled accessories. I found Bible verses and Christian charms along with angel statuettes and Jesus fish. When did God come to I-80? Had this seemingly innocuous free-for-all watering hole struck a bargain with the Christian church to parade their miscellany in the most popular place in the world!? Aside from genius it was most unsettling. I suddenly glanced from side-to-side, paranoid that various spokespeople from all walks of religion were stationed to con me into His light.

    I high-tailed it out from the glare of salvation and found myself amongst some Disney princess colored pencils coupled with books. It gave me a moment to catch my breath and allow my pulse to slow down to something resembling normal. Once I was positive I could walk again I decided it was time to get out of this haven created by pioneers-turned-spiritual-army. As I walked away from the comfort of Disney I saw it. It was amazing, dare I say...immaculate? I have never been a big fan of novelty t-shirts of any kind, especially this new obsession with taking our false idols of pop culture and twisting it into a God-worshiping logo-- but there it was. Beautiful.

    A chortle escaped from my throat so that several bystanders turned to gauge my reaction. Was it spiritual? Was it sardonic? Was it a hiccup? With the widest smile ever brought on by clothing I stepped slowly towards this navy cloth of wonder. I just stared, open-mouthed for several seconds. I started walking around this small kiosk and reading the other t-shirts displayed: A Guitar Hero emblem ripped off to say "God is my Hero". A tiny (and adorable) Wii Jesus displaying "Hii Saved Me. John 3:16". A cluttered maroon number reading "Under the Influence..." and then in much smaller words "...of the Spirit". It's like it got better and better as I traversed! I only wish I had brought my camera in to capture this t-shirt mecca forever (lucky for you I link the website in about ten sentences). I was midly disdainful when I saw a blue shirt with a bass guitar that said "Bass your life on Christ". (What's wrong with playing bass, now?)

    I actually circled this same shelving unit five times or so in order to take it all in. I'm sure I was making a spectacle of myself... like a blind man seeing a vagina for the first time I was enthralled in disbelief and wonder, but mainly curiosity. I bought the shirt:



    JESUS IS OUR GREATEST
    HOPE
    We wait for the blessed hope, the glorious appearing of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ.
    Titus 2:13


    It's even more amazing writing about it now than when I awkwardly threw it upon the counter and paid way too much for it.

    More important than Kerusso's blatant distaste for Obama, I wondered more how they get away with this kind of thing? If Shepard Fairey wins his law suit and in fact wins artistic claim--does Kerusso not owe him acknowledgment for ripping off his portrait? I will now to read the only bits of writing I can find on this t-shirt and it's attached tags; both because there's no mention of Fairey or the AP, but also because it's funny/daunting.

    The Tag:
    (Kerusso's slogan) "Change your shirt. Change the world!"
    Kerusso The Greek word means--"To herald divine truth as a public crier; to preach the gospel."
    OUR NAME IS OUR MISSION

    Did you know that the average Christian T-shirt is read as many as 3,000 times before it goes to the yard sale? You can impact your world for Jesus Christ simply by Changing Your Shirt! So what are you waiting for?

    10% of the profit from this product goes to support missions, non profit organizations, and local churches.


    Oh yeah. Did I mention it's made in Haiti and then imported into Mexico? Now I know why those are such popular mission sites.

    While this shirt may have saved my foul mood in an instant of sick comedic pleasure, I'm now left with an emptiness inside me that Lipton peach ice tea in a glass bottle used to fill. I'm saddened and ashamed that I purchased this product and have a mind to drive back tomorrow and return it. This is the biggest exploitation of religious propaganda I've been a part of since Peter Popoff sent me his miracle manna. And then spiritual sea salt. And cosmic communion wafer, radical roofies and twenty-five dynamite donation suggestions. Seriously, this guy will not leave me alone and I've never responded. Not once.

    I don't remember where I was going with this. I guess what I'm trying to say is if anyone comes across Lipton peach ice tea in a glass bottle please send me some. Without I'm just liable to go around funding faulty church organizations and making horrific in-the-moment decisions due to thirst. Most of all, I want this to be a warning to you friends: don't let this happen to you. Finally, give I-80 a visit sometime. Even if their merchandising agenda is a bit off, their postcards are worth a second glance.




    Good Morning From OYIT [Thurs March 5th]

    By Jake

    Good morning once again. I'm here once again, although I'd rather not be, to tell you the truth. I'd rather be writing something fun instead. Well, let's treat this like a bandage and pull it off quickly to get it over.


    Weather

    Looking at this map you can see two things: 1)I live in the United States 2)It's going to be over 50 degrees in Chicago tomorrow. If you don't live near Chicago or you don't live in the US, then I cannot help you this morning. I'm going to open my house up and let the stale air flow out of my windows like blood from the neck of a beheaded chicken. Unlike a beheaded chicken, the air will not run around, thankfully. Rather, the air will hopefully just circulate and I'll be able to get some fresh air instead of taking in the smell of fried food every time I inhale.

    Outdoor Activity of the Day
    Put on a pair of sneakers and take a walk through town. After being cooped inside for most of the winter it's finally time to get off of your bottom and get some exercise. We all weigh well over 300 lbs at this point, but we need to collectively shed those holiday pounds. I gained at least 30 lbs from my fried catfish dinner last night. I plan on walking 30 miles, losing one pound per mile. I'm also planning on my feet swelling to the size and shape of footballs. One hope I have is that the city of Hammond, IN, will not all read this, as to not congest the sidewalks with other overweight walkers.

    Music Video of the Day

    This is one of the best songs ever recorded by the best band to ever play to an audience of five, Complete. This video has everything: a band playing live, a dude wearing a Dr. Seuss hat and a girl line dancing by herself.

    That's all I can manage to do today. Hopefully somebody else will be willing to honor us with a Good Morning article tomorrow. Have a good day, kids.

    Boy Meets World --Too Hot for TV

    By Gary



    [SCENE – School Cafeteria. Cory walks to up a vending machine to get a snack, while Feeny retrieves coffee from the machine next to it.]

    Cory: Good morning, Mr. Feeny. (looks ashamed and stares at his shoes)

    Feeny: Morning, Mr. Matthews. (Cory begins to shake violently) No need to be afraid? Doesn’t your mother feed you a fuckin' breakfast?

    Cory: ummm, she does. But I gotta get the taste of shredded wheat out of my mouth. (Opens candy bar and quickly eats the entire thing)


    Feeny: Y’know, if you need anything....you can always ask me. (Sips coffee)

    Cory: Oh, thanks, Mr. Feeny.

    Feeny: There’s no gravity in space, Mr. Matthews, therefore astronauts suck up. Learn from them. (Walks away upset)

    (Cory walks over to a table where his friends, Shawn and Nicolas, are sitting and joins them)

    Shawn: He’s gonna make your whole life miserable.

    Cory: (Shrugs) I’m gonna be miserable anyhow, I’m taking him with me. 3-17 is the big sorry day. (looks sexually aroused)

    Shawn: Hey, who’s that? (Looks to a table where Feeny is accosting a younger, female teacher)

    Nicolas: I think she’s in danger.

    Shawn: She must be in danger, she’s talking to Feeny.

    Nicolas: (To Cory) Okay, so how late did you stay up last night?

    Cory: Don't' remember...

    Nicolas: Monologue, first guest.

    Shawn: Monologue, first guest, bad sketch.

    Cory: Cried, attempted suicide, failed like everything I do, went to sleep.

    Nicolas: Monologue, first guest, bad sketch, funny zoo animal… Dane Cook!

    Cory: Fuck No!

    Shawn: Dane Cook! (Nicolas nods)

    (Bell rings)

    Shawn: (Stands with friends) And there’s the bell.

    Cory: Four hours till lunch. Hopefully, I make it..this whole bottle of sleeping pills is very tempting (They all walk off)

    ...To be continued

    Life with Mikey [3-4-09]

    By Mikey


    Hi, I'm grateful for all the positive comments I've been getting for my posts. Thank you very much. You guys are why I write this article every week, and why I will keep writing it. Please enjoy.


    • Frosted Flakes may be the most important cereal.

    • If I had a new pair of Ray-bans I'd be in heaven.

    • Pouring a hot cup of coffee on your lap seems like a pretty poor way to become a millionaire. I'd prefer working hard and being determined.

    • My favorite movie: The Lion King. End of story.

    • I know that the Monkees didn't originally write their own music, but that doesn't stop me from singing "The Last Train to Clarksville" every single time I do karaoke.

    • Last night I was lying in bed and I heard the floor creak and my bedroom's doorknob was jiggling. I thought it was a ghost. It was just my wife. I had accidentally locked her out. It was still really scary.

    • I don't put a bunch of fancy stuff in my burritos: beans, rice and cheese are a proven formula. Why mess with success?

    • They always tell you to eat your green vegetable, but I'd rather eat a cheeseburger.

    • MC Hammer's career was very inspirational in the early 90s. I wish that guy would make another album.

    • Why would anybody have a ferret as a pet? I just don't get it.

    • Sometimes I understand how Ziggy feels.

    • Sword swallowers are immensely talented human beings and we should pay our respects to them.

    • My economic stimulus package consists mostly of coupons to Arby's and Bob's Big Boy.

    • Third Eye Blind's Semi-Charmed Life might be the most underrated pop tune of the 90s. I still listen to it and sing the "doot doot doot doot" chorus.

    • I'm glad that Prince stopped being that symbol. That was just way too confusing for most of us.

    • The Pink Panther 2 starring Steve Martin really is better than the original.

    • Paris Hilton might be a bit airheaded, but she is a really good singer and very attractive.

    • I'm not interested in the books by Charles Dawkins, Sam Harris and such that talk about how God isn't real. Let's just say if he wasn't real, I wouldn't go to church every Sunday.

    • Give me a toy train set and I won't bother you for days.



    Good Morning [inaugural March edition]

    By Glenn

    Good morning. Today is the first day of March, except for yesterday, the day before and the day before that. March has always had a special place in my heart. It's the month Julius Caesar died, the month the US invaded Iraq and the month I was born. In fact today is my birthday. 1996 feels like such a long time ago as I turn thirteen years old, but I know I'm still the youngest person writing on this website and one of the youngest people to ever have his own website. I was really sick last week so I didn't write anything for this website but I'm feeling better now.



    Today's Weather


    Today should be a great day for me and my thirteenth birthday. With the exception of some thunderstorms out in California and its surrounding states, the weather looks great today. The only thing out of the usual here in the Midwest is the giant baby's head that will devour us.


    Today's Birthday

    Turning 13 is kind of scary to a 13 year old, but VERY scary to a 26 year old pretending to be half his age. There are things that didn't scare me on my real thirteenth birthday but do scare me now. Thirteen years ago I was completely self confident in how I look. But as I see myself playing the set of drums I got today, I wonder if there aren't problems with my appearance. Will thirteen year old girls like my red hair and my midriff top? I guess we'll know at my pretend birthday party tonight. It's at Hooter's.


    Today's Restaurant

    I choose Hooter's as the place to have my thirteenth birthday party because that's where the prettiest women are. I define beauty by a woman's desperation in how she chooses her job. The women who choose Hooter's are the most beautiful of all, to me. Even at 13 I enjoy large breasts and tight shirts that look like they would feel uncomfortable. Hooter's is the restaurant of the day, which means everyone needs to eat here for either lunch or dinner. I recommend dinner because there will be more women there and you might see me there celebrating my thirteenth birthday.


    Today's Prediction
    I'll get a gun for my birthday today and finally have a reason to use it.

    Tuesday Debate: Public Schools vs. Home Schooling

    By Glenn and Jake

    I can't think of a more hot button topic to debate than public schooling vs. home schooling. Abortion? That's just so trite. Legalization of marijuana? Yeah right, keep dreaming. There is no issue that will turn a dinner party into a chainsaw massacre like this one. This topic will turn a church pot luck into a three mile island of differing opinions.


    Jake (Home Schooling): The education of children is a hot button topic in many of the states, not Indiana, where I live. When I was in fifth grade I left Indiana and moved to Illinois. Doing this meant that I was at least four months behind. If I were home schooled I would have not missed out on anything. I would have known how to do the math that we were on, because I would have had the same teachers, my parents. You rarely hear of a home school getting shot up by trench coat wearing social outcasts. The worst that would happen to you at a home school is you have to write an essay because you didn't eat all of your vegetable at dinner or do your daily chores. The best thing that can happen is you become a doctor by the age of 12.

    Glenn (Public Schooling)    : Jake has overstated the value of a home-based education without fully addressing the benefits of learning in a public environment. Home schooling might sound great if you're one of the jocks or cheerleaders that would be killed by a public school shooting, but it deprives you of needed socialization. People who are home schooled end up, later in life, murdering at a rate fifty times the normal population. That's a short term benefit but a long term cost to society. Where do the guns in school shootings come from, anyway? They come from parents and they're found in student's homes. Our public schools are protected like fortresses now. Instead of weapons, they're full of learning and schoolbooks. Plus there are romantic possibilities in a public school that doesn't exist when you learn at home, unless you're a Mormon and thus commit incest.

    Jake (Home Schooling): When I have home schooled children I'm going to sign them up for sports or, if they're fat and their playing of sports would be embarrassing, I'd get them registered for a debate club or something that wouldn't cause me shame. Sure, parents have guns, but most of those parents are too busy shooting raccoons to teach their kids the difference between a colon and a semi-colon. Those parents would just send their kids to public school. Another point that could be made toward home schooling is that your children can have hot lunches that aren't 90% cardboard. Children would have nourishment and nutrition, plus they wouldn't be sexually abused by angry male teachers.

    Glenn (Public Schooling): As Jake well knows, children are most likely to be sexually abused by members of their own family and not public school teachers. Gay male teachers will always be a danger in their propensity to convert children to homosexuality, but for progressive parents this should not be a real danger. There is nothing wrong with being gay, especially compared to being molested. Home lunches are better than school lunches, but school lunches are free if you're poor. You have to pay for home lunches in that each dollar spent is a dollar that isn't spent on toys. Public school is paid for by people that own property and corporate sponsors, but all home schooling experiences from right out of your parents' income. For children, the choice is clear.

    Jake (Home Schooling): Children don't get a choice, that's why so many of them are aborted by alcoholic 23 year old girls. Kids need to get a valuable education, and that's the bottom line. When the youths don't, they end up being billigerent, poor drivers and talk during movies. You can find people doing all three of those things in my home state. When children don't get a good, or even adequate, education then we all suffer when we go see the reboot of Speed or the reboot of Norbit. Home schooling, I feel, is better suited to teach kids at their own pace and the lessons can better focus on what they enjoy, rather than needing to teach 45 kids as fast as possible.

    Glenn (Public Schooling): If home schooling was so great, then more people than Mormons would use it. That's a simple test I use to determine the quality of anything: do Mormons use it? If they do, I know it's bad. In public schools, you learn how to put condoms on penises and how to do drugs and smoke cigarettes. Home schooled children don't know how to do any of those things, which is why they have such a high rate of pregnancy and why most of them get very sick when they first try smoking. Home schooling kids means focusing all the attention on the student, which again is great for the teachers but sucks for the children. Why can't we start putting children first?

    Jake (Home Schooling): We can put children first when they're on a sinking ship. Otherwise, fuck the kids, they need to not be moronic and ruin my day because they have to text while driving (or doing anything else). A home schooled child would, in theory, be better disciplined than a public school child that has been tossed aside like a t-shirt covered in dried semen. Public school children, while mostly not Mormon, are still 50% more likely to convert to a religion worse than Mormonism later in their life. Do you want a bunch of young Krishnas running around the airport pelting you with daisies? I don't think so. We need to avoid this if we can, and we can by home schooling.

    Glenn (Public Schooling): I guess what this has come down to is what is best for the children. That's exactly what this debate should be about, so in this sense we all win. But in another sense, children lose because Jake has made clearer and more effective points in this debate and has probably doomed American children to a life of home schooling. Your house should be your solace away from school - a place where bullies can't touch you, girls can't make fun of you and where no one will ever shoot you just for being different. But now that Jake has won this debate, that's all about to disappear. All of the terrible things that used to be confined to school will now happen at your home instead. I will never home school my own children even if the government orders me to do so. At best, I will give them all A's in classes like "Introduction to Eating with Silverware" and "Advanced Coloring."

    Good Morning From OYIT [Tues March 3rd]

    By Jake

    Glenn was supposed to post a GMFOYIT today, but he must have fallen asleep before he finished. Maybe he went into a writer's block induced coma. I guess we'll never know (unless he tells us). So here I am at 10:00 AM writing a the Good Morning article in order to not let you down. You possibly won't read it, but I feel like I have a duty. That duty is very similar to Samuel L. Jackson's duty to 'please that booty' in Shaft.


    Blaxploitation Movie of the Day
    Today's Blaxploitation movie is Dr. Black, Mr. Hyde. This is the story of a black scientist who takes a serum. The serum turns him into an out of control, prostitute murdering honky. He has a blood feud with Silky the Pimp. You must realize from the title that this movie is great, but it's got a pretty serious tone. Any horror movie with 'black' in the title should always be as serious as possible to fight the absurdity of adding the word 'black' into the title of a classic horror movie.


    Activity of the Day
    Writing an article at the last minute is the activity of the day. It's what I'm doing now, and what you're going to do later. You might substitute a paper on The Bhagavad Gita for 'article,' but it's all the same. Today you will be cutting it close, perhaps too close.

    Ninja Weapon of the Day
    Everybody loves ninjas, and why? Because they have a ton of great weaponry. One of my favorites is the shuriken-- the throwing star. There's nothing I'd want thrown at me less than a shuriken. I'd rather have confetti thrown at me by every Harlem Globetrotters player to ever don the jersey than be devastated by a shuriken to the face. When I play Ninja Gaiden for the Xbox, the shuriken is a pretty lame weapon. They barely stun your enemy, but NG is not a very realistic game.

    Okay, sorry that this is hurried. The next morning post I do will be on time and hopefully better than this. Thank you and good afternoon.


    Hi Katy - Issue 6

    By Katy



    Welcome kiddies! I have a special treat for you this time around! Not
    only do I have seven questions to answer, but two of them are asking
    for my flat out opinion, advice-less. Now, I know it's a little
    ridiculous to just add an opinion to an advice column, but I decided
    it would be a swell way for you all to get to know a little bit about
    the real Hi Katy. Yaaay!



    Hi Katy,

    I live near the Golden Gate Bridge, the place where people commonly
    commit suicide. I get the creeps from it, and sometimes I feel a
    strange ghastly presence in my apartment. Do you think that I may have
    ghosts or am I just being paranoid? Maybe it was something I ate?

    -Ghosten Gate Bridge


    Hi Golden,

    I'm surely not aware of your diet details, but I can tell you ghosts
    are real and everywhere. You're right to worry about the
    concentration of ghosts in your area. Golden Gate Bridge isn't just a
    common suicide location (I did some research), it boasts the number
    one suicide locale in the US, if not the top in the world. More than 1,200 have offed themselves there, with only 26 survivors
    - and that's from 2005! Wikipedia offered a comparison stat for
    this, with the second place locale going to Aokigahara Forest in Japan
    with a whopping 76. WOW! Just one more thing America has to be proud. I'm almost convinced to jump off it.

    Anyway, as I said before, I do truly believe in ghosts, but more
    importantly I believe in good and bad spirits. I think it
    appropriate to contact your friend (friends?) and try to get to know
    them a bit, learn about their lives and afterlives. I had a most
    pleasant visit to San Fransisco in 2003 and spent one entire evening
    shootin' the shit with Weldon Kees (and if you read his poetry, you'd
    jump off the GGB, too). I feel everyone should love each other and get
    along. Maybe it will change your life! Maybe you'll be the next Mark
    Ruffalo and save your own Reese. If it doesn't work out, well, that's
    another problem for another issue.

    Hi Katy,

    I'm a minor league baseball player. I am having trouble hitting home
    runs and am getting very worried about being cut. Should I cork my bat or
    just take performance enhancing drugs? I am a bit worried about drugs,
    but corking a bat would be pretty easy. I have a cork screw and I save
    all of my bottles of wine (with cork intact, of course). Please help
    me, Katy, you're the only one I can turn to.

    -Hopelessly Home Run Free


    HI Hopeless,
    Improve your skills and become better. Hahaha. I'm just joshing of
    course. I've found it's better for my readers if I don't set the bar
    too high.

    I agree with what you said about drug use. I would normally be
    completely on board with some 'roids, but they're a pretty touchy
    subject these days so it's best to wait for all the suspicion to die
    down.

    Corking a bat, however...CLASSIC! I love to see reuse of poorly
    executed ideas almost as much as innovation. I think it's used so
    rarely anymore that no one will see this coming (unless the bat breaks
    and it's coming straight for their faces! Hey-OH!) My only qualms with
    this plan are the wine corks. It's great that you want to find a
    secondary use for your alcoholism, but perhaps you're better off
    making a bulletin board or a hot dish trivet. Sawdust, baby, that's
    where it's at. It's more compact and glue will adhere to it much more
    efficiently. When you move up to he big leagues I expect a 10% cut.

    Hi Katy,

    I am a virgin and am 20-years-old. My other girlfriends make fun of me
    because my hymen remains intact, but those bitches are all sluts. I
    don't wan tto be like them, but I don't want to be a virgin forever.
    How should I choose a suitable male to pick my precious cherry. I
    don't want to any crumb bum, but I don't know if I'm going to find a
    Greg to my Dharma.

    -Reluctantly Givin' It Up


    Hi Reluctant,

    Contrary to everyone's beliefs, being a virgin is pretty sweet (if I
    remember correctly). The main thing is to not make it about that first
    perfect moment, otherwise you'll crush your soul with disappointment.
    I'm not saying sex isn't enjoyable, but I am saying sometimes it's
    not. You don't want to have waited all this time to have the ultimate
    that's it? moment that will turn you off of sex forever. At
    best it'll probably be "okay," love or no.

    As far as finding the appropriate mate to give it to the first time,
    you could... I don't know... date? I mean, you never said you don't
    date. If you're having some trouble meeting guys, there are now a
    plethora of dating sites and sex partner sites. There are sites for
    everything. Set up a profile, upload a few saucy pics and
    don't be afraid to mention you're a virgin. Some guys like that!

    No one should want a Greg, or a Dharma for that matter. They're not
    charming, they're a divorce waiting to happen. Besides, who wants to
    lose it to a boring stick-in-the-mud? That's what she said! Gross.
    If I were you, I'd say find the Adolf to your Eva. What's more
    romantic than ending your lives somewhat about the same time and
    kinda near each other? Also, get some new friends. Hanging around
    whorebags will only get you syphilis--and that shit is not
    cool    . Try to have fun, good luck, and remember to make him suit up!

    Hi Katy,

    I've been under a lot of stress lately. I came home last Wednesday,
    only to find that my boyfriend had moved out on me. We were having a
    lot of problems, but I didn't think they were that severe. He left a
    note saying that I loved him more than he loved me. I don't get that.
    Why does that matter? Is love a competition where one person has to
    bow out if their love isn't equal? Please help me understand.

    -Love Confusion


    Hi Love,

    Haha, looove. Uhhh, seriously though. This is a good question. I'm
    going to really give myself over here and lay it all out on the line.
    I am totally that person, the you love me more than I love you
    person. I am not particularly proud of that, but it does give me an
    insight to this specific perspective.

    He was trying to let you down easy, but I guess you want to hurt
    yourself further. Of course there's not a love-o-meter to properly
    gauge such a feeling, but there are several other involved reasons for
    using this classic cop-out, which I'll summarize:

    1) He doesn't love you-- he may have said it, but realized it wasn't
    true.

    2) He loves you as a friend-- maybe he discovered it wasn't true.

    3) He's afraid of commitment-- cliche, but cliche for a reason.

    4) He does love you, but feels he's undeserving of that strong sentiment in
    return--it's called low/non-exsistent self-esteem.

    5) He's just your run of the mill troughbag.

    *DREAM CRUSHER ALERT*:
    There is no one-and-only out there, but there still could be the one. Find someone deserving of your love that can show that level in return, the way it should be. Keep your chin up and keep on truckin'!

    Hi Katy,

    There's this girl in my high school that I really like. She's more
    popular than I am and I don't think she could ever be attracted to me.
    I would like to ask her out, but I don't know if I have the nerves for
    it. I'm afraid of the rejection, of course. Do you think my fears are
    well founded or am I just being unreasonably afraid?

    -Unpopular High Schooler


    Hi Unpopular,

    Sigh, right? High School is tough. Not just tough, but extremely
    important and life-altering, unless you're of the 20% that make it out
    without a baby.

    Now it's hard to lay out a specific approach. On one hand, she could
    reject you and you would spend the remainder of our high school
    years--or your LIFE--in humiliation. Or, she could reject you and be
    really cool and considerate. OR, she could say yes which would
    be, I assume, the preferred outcome. Though, she could be saying yes
    because she feels sorry for you and then she'd come in a limo to pick
    you up from prom and instead pelt you with eggs. Ick.

    Okay, I've got it! You need to become "the bad boy." (Also, for kicks
    we're going to pretend you're a boy, it'll just flow better with my
    examples. If you're a girl, well, no one comes out 'til after high
    school anyway so give it time). What high schooler, especially high
    school girl, can resist the wiles of the bad kid? Ten Things I
    Hate About You, Crybaby, The Breakfast Club, Star Wars, Cruel
    Intentions, Kids, Heathers, Dirty Dancing, Grease.    ..all these
    movies serve to prove a gal loves her some malevolence. (Note: Please
    do not use Kids as an appropriate way to be a bad boy, or she
    won't like you for long).

    Just get yourself a whole new persona-- blow off a couple of classes,
    pierce your own ear, and act like shit don't matter to you. Give it a
    few months and that girl will be followin' you around BEGGIN' for a
    date, but don't give in yet! Call her a bitch or something; at least
    pretend you have something better to do than speak in monosyllabic to
    this chick. After another couple months show up unannounced to a
    party, get drunk and totally do her. Now you can start slowly opening
    up and she'll find out you're misunderstood and sensitive and it's in
    the bag! Awesome.

    Hi Katy,

    Every great artist has their influences. Now, since you're such a
    great "artist" when it comes to giving advice, I'd like to know who
    our influences are. Are you a "Dear Abby" kinda gal or do you steer
    more towards "SavageLove"?

    -Curious in Cairo


    Hi Curious,

    I'm flattered that you would even ask. It seems not enough of my
    readers take an interest in my life. It's all me, me, me. Wah,
    wah, wah. Help, help, help. Your question is a breath of fresh air!

    I did spend a lot of time reading "Dear Abby" in my younger years,
    enjoying Abby give it to them while still remaining polite and
    professional. Then one day I learned Abby wasn't even writing this
    column, but 'twas her lame ass daughter. I was crushed. I hate being
    lied to. When I write long-winded e-mails to my father, I want him to
    respond, not his son, or else I would have e-mailed my brother. Ya know
    what I mean? I guess what I'm saying is STOP FORWARDING MY E-MAILS,
    DAD!

    Dan Savage I liked at one time but he always tried to be so cute and
    sarcastic and I take my job quite seriously. Pheobe Haliwell--Alyssa
    Milano's character--was definitely a big influence. Once Pheobe got
    that advice columnist job her love life got all saucy and stuff,
    that's something I wanted. I try to model myself after her a lot. Dr
    Ruth, of course, who showed us talking about sex can be fun and
    boringly technical all at the same time. My biggest and most obvious
    influence would have to be The Big Guy in the Sky. People are always
    bothering God with these long, stupid questions and he's always there
    to answer and respond and keep this world churning. I don't want to
    compare myself to God, but as He will never forsake you, nor shall I.

    Hi Katy,

    Which is worse? A Total Recall remake or a remake of The
    Neverending Story? Both of which are in the works now.

    -Neverending Recall


    Hi Neverending,

    I couldn't believe it when I heard that news today. In fact, I looked
    both up online to confirm these outrageous allegations, and then my
    soul died along with the music.

    Clearly, The Neverending Story remake is the absolute worst
    thing Warner Brothers can do: worse than 1997's Batman & Robin.
    Hasn't enough of our childhoods been slashed and berated by big film
    companies running out of ideas!?

    I can remember when I was but three or four and accompanied by my
    sister to a birthday party. The first thing I saw was Atreyu gutting
    the terrifying G'Mork and to this day I still shy away from 500 pound
    dogs...this movie has saved my life! Daniel Carlson stated this love
    most (yeah, even better than me) in his article on pajiba.com: "Just a
    picture of Falcor the Luck Dragon, or that giant stone Oracle with
    wings and breasts and lazer eyes, is enough to have you drowning in
    nostalgia like Atreyu's horse in the Swamp of Sadness." (I recommend
    you read this article, especially YOU, Mary.)

    The benefit to this remake, apparently, is that it's going to be more
    book-specific. Who the frick cares? If I wanted to read the book I
    would have downloaded it on my Kindle2, but I can't afford a Kindle2
    so I didn't. F you Leonardo DiCaprio! You can take your production
    company and shove it!! Also, I've never seen Total Recall, and
    who really cares when atrocities like this are our future?

    Email me: katy@oneyearintexas.com

    Bub's Public Joke File Vol. 2

    By Bub
    The following is cross-posted from Bub Vs. The Volcano @ www.bghbmarl55.blogspot.com

    I would like to dedicate the folowing post to the recently murdered General Batiste Tagme na Waie of Guinea-Bissau. Hopefully this dedication will prevent any rash reprisals against the sitting president Joao Bernardo Viera.



    I think this is a little hypocritical; everyone loves candy when it tastes sweet. But, nobody likes candy when it is an accessory to rape.

    If polygamist means many spouses and bigamist means two spouses, then that makes me a unigamist, which makes me sound like I like one-legged women or am racist.

    Jesus walked on the water. I have to admit that is pretty impressive. But you know what’s more impressive? Four guys walking on the fucking moon. That’s why I am a follower of the Unification Church, it is my understanding of the faith that they thought it was pretty cool when those guys walked on the moon and they make real good falafel.

    Whenever you see LSD in movies it’s always a gay old time, you see funny things and get a case of the giggles. They never tell you that LSD will tell you to murder someone.

    In Kazakhstan, horse meat is a delicacy. That’s crazy right? It’s like if in America, they ate cows.

    I went to the ‘12 items or less’ grocery line the other day. I had 13 items. I went up to the counter and the grocery clerk said I would have to go to a regular grocery line because I had too many items. I said, ‘What? Is this a racist grocery line?’ And the grocery clerk said, ‘Not officially’.

    I wear my sunglasses at night, so I can, so I can, stare at crotches in jeans (either sex).

    I did a bench press last night. I stopped when the homeless man yelled that he couldn’t breathe.

    Where do all these Human Rights keep coming from? Weren’t they all covered when we decided it was fair and best to pursue the accumulation of wealth at the exclusive use of others?

    I don’t know why ghosts are always doing laundry. Don’t they just have that one sheet with the holes for eyes? Can’t they just die already??

    I always thought it was funny how Kremlin sounded like Gremlin. It would be like if White House sounded like the Russian word for ‘house that slaves built where currently resides a man of African descent whose ancestors were never enslaved.’

    The three most linguistically diverse areas in the world have been the Caucasus Mountain region, the Highlands of Guinea, and Pre-colonial California. The least linguistically diverse? Terry Schiavo’s house circa 2005.

    I saw this guy in the Ped. Mall the other day pretending to be a statue. I looked at him with quiet appreciation.

    Two racists walk into a bar, one orders a beer, the other leaves when he realizes the first one is white.

    And finally, I picked up a pizza from the pizza store the other night. When I brought it home I was surprised to find out that I had taken LSD and murdered somebody.

    Good Morning from OYIT [Monday March 2]

    By Jake

    It's March, which can mean only one thing: it's American Red Cross month. I am mentally ill for giving blood. I'm like Blacula set on rewind. I know most of our audience is against doing what the months tell us, but I think in this case it is fine. You know that OYIT is anti-month specific events in general, but we are pro-giving blood. These two had a showdown and giving blood won, deal with it.


    Today's Liquid
    In honor of American Red Cross month today's liquid is blood. Blood is vital: it carries oxygen to our tissue for fuck's sake. Not to mention that it transports hormones. If you were a vampire you would probably drink it, but you're most likely not. If you are a vampire then send us a photo. Here's a picture of a vampire sitting in my desk chair that I took:

    You obviously can't see the vampire, because one cannot photograph them. That's how you know I'm not lying.

    Today's Fantastic Fishing Spot
    Scusset Beach In Plymouth, Massachusetts is today's fantastic fishing spot. This is a great place to catch a striped bass. Plus there is a campground nearby so you can just relax, drink some beers and bro down while catching a nice quantity of stripers. I have a feeling that Scusset Beach is not only Today's Fantastic Fishing Spot, but also this year's number one fishing spot vacation destination. Enjoy the fishing.

    Weather

    As you can see via this map, today Chicago is going to be 23 degrees in homage to Michael Jordan's jersey number. Even the weather wants to be like Mike today. Unfortunately, I live damn close to Chi and am not thrilled by this tribute, but my heart is warmed. Lest we forget Jordan got us six NBA championships with the help of his fellow Bulls. The weather respects that, and I think we all can. The west coast seems to be having some pretty nice weather and I am very jealous. I'd kill a homeless person to have the weather be over 50 degrees. Instead it snowed all day due to lack of human sacrifice.

    What Did You Do Over the Weekend?
    I spent much of the weekend watching television. My fiance worked Friday evening, all day Saturday and Sunday morning. I was stuck at home and watched nearly two seasons of Black Adder, a few episodes of Deadwood, Brittas Empire, Ruddy Hell, It's Harry and Paul, plus the following movies: Mojave Phone Booth, Laura and Hellboy 2: The Golden Army. On Sunday, I went to dinner with my father at Chili's.

    Please leave a comment about how you spent your weekend.



    Overheard at the Mall

    By Jake

    This has become a fairly popular feature. I honestly don't know why, but I give the people what they want. If they want things I hear at the mall, then so be it!


  • "Evening Shade: The Band!" (A man shouted this)

  • "If I try on one more polo shirt I'm going to hang myself." (said by a 50 year old man to his wife)

  • "Mighty Mouse could easily defeat Underdog. Underdog is a faggot." (said by the same 50 year old man to his wife)

  • "Of course the Orange Julius is great, but have you tried the Strawberry Julius? It's fabulous!"

  • "Where does one find a Reader's Digest in this series of stores?" (asked by a mustachioed man to a security guard)

  • "You basically have to special order a unicycle this day and age."

  • "Check out my Street Sharks tattoo, dude."

  • "I would literally kill a homeless person for some Panda Express right now." (said by a 20 year old girl)

  • "Julius Caesar was not as great as the salad that is named after him."